I Must Be Unwell - I Don't Feel Like Crocheting

Would you be shocked to know that I have not picked up my crochet hook since the middle of November? That it's been around six weeks since I put my hook down? That the last project I made I wasn't even interested in making but I only did it because a friend asked for a baby blanket.

To be honest I have felt no inclination to begin a new project and I haven't even missed it.

I have to be sick or something. Perhaps in the new year I might get my crochet mojo back but for now I don't feel interested at all.

Depression and Suicide

Earlier this week an amazing actor and comedian, Robin Williams, lost his life. He had been battling depression. Depression can be such a hard thing to deal with. I personally know how hard it is to deal with depression. I also know how difficult it is to deal with the loss of a loved one through suicide. I lost a brother that way.

It doesn't matter who the person is whether it is a celebrity or the average Joe Blow who takes their own life. Someone, somewhere always manages to judge them and call them selfish for their actions. I personally believe that unless you have been in their shoes or have suffered from depression yourself how can you possibly know what they were thinking at the time? I believe it says more about the person who made the statement than the person who died.

RIP Robin Williams. 

If you are struggling with depression yourself. Please don't think you are alone. Talk to someone, anyone. You don't need to go through this by yourself.

If you need help please phone Lifeline 13 11 14

www.lifeline.org.au 

or contact Beyond Blue 1300 224636

www.beyondblue.org.au

R U OK - a conversation could change a life. 

www.ruok.org.au

What A Day!

Have you ever had one of those days where you wished you had stayed in bed? My day didn't start off that way but it certainly headed that way this afternoon and its not even 5pm yet!

First of all I had a busy morning. Angus and I went to Landmark [thank goodness they have an office/warehouse here in town] to collect Brodie's Physics Text Book & homework books or whatever they are called that he will need for this year. I am so glad that Brodie has money from Centrelink that helps him pay for all of this sort of stuff.

Then we headed off to the egg farm on the other side of town to get some eggs. I mean what else would you get from an egg far? Sill me. We buy 20 over-weight eggs for $5.50 which is a lot cheaper than the shops could ever offer them. Plus the eggs are usually double yolkers, although we have had a couple of eggs with three yolks in them once.

Then it was back into town to the Chemist. To collect my lotions and potions that my dermatologist prescribes for my psoriasis plus some other scripts that needed filling. Since the beginning of the year I have bought 15 prescriptions. That makes us a quarter of the way towards getting the PBS freebies. If we keep this up we should be on free medication by May (just like we did last year) or maybe even earlier. It's not a good thing really *sigh*

Afterwards we went grocery shopping. Just to grab a few things for tonight. The Missionaries are meant to be coming over for dinner. I just hope that they rock up. The last few times we invited them over for dinner they were no shows :( I know that there are more important things that they may be unable to change. I understand that but it is still disappointing when they can't come over. I need that lifeline sometimes. We don't see our Home Teachers and I rarely see my Visiting Teachers. Yes I know that people have lives but there are times when I crave the company of others. There are only so many conversations you can have with the kids. Gosh I am going off track here.

Anyway Angus & I went shopping. Came home unpacked. I started preparing stuff for dinner & Angus started baking (he truly has the baking bug!! I love it!!) He was very upset about the cornbread muffins he made. He burnt them. Hey its a learning experience. Accidents happen. Angus also baked a cake. That I can promise you did not get burnt. He watched it like a hawk!!

Then to top things off. I feel awful for Angus he was already feeling bad for burning the cornbread. His pet guinea pig, Jade, passed away. I just feel so bad for him. He said that it wasn't fair. That he will have to rethink getting another pet. He still talks about his budgie that he lost 4 years ago. And he is right it isn't fair :'(

I just hope that the rest of the day turns out better. Both Angus & I feel a bit blue about losing Jade. Even though she was only with us for a short time she was a bit of a character.

Time For An Update

Gosh half the time I never know where to begin with a blog entry. I suppose I should just start where I finished last time.

Friday ... the car was still off the road. It had been way too hot for Mark to work on it. I think the temperature was around 40C (over 100F in the old scale). I was unable to go to he Primary School to do the newsletter. Brodie got a lift from Nick's parents & Angus got a ride with a friend so neither of them missed school.

Saturday ... it was still shockingly horrible weather. The air-conditioner has been getting a good work out. We didn't make it to foodbank as the car was still off the road for the morning. Mark did NOT have a good day and he managed to break his hand. His Borderline Personality Disorder (wiki) was getting a good work out ... his hand managed to connect with the shed door a few times then the brick wall outside for a few more punches. We didn't know his hand was broken at the time but it didn't look good and was beginning to swell up heaps. Mark popped some codeine tablets and finished working on the car. Around 2 p.m. I took him to the hospital. We were there for quite some time. He had a couple of x-rays taken and we were finally told that it was broken. Which to be honest was no surprise as you could no longer see three of his knuckles. The doctor slapped a half plaster on it gave Mark a box of panadeine forte and sent us home.

Sunday... the weather was still hot. I had an awful headache and decided that it was too much for me, the boys and the car to travel the 40 km to Church. I didn't feel up to driving all that way and then go into Nursery with a bunch of toddlers. Not that I don't love the toddlers because they are just SO adorable!!

Monday ... the weather was still hot. Angus had the day off - it was a pupil free day. Not much else happened. Well I don't remember anything important happening.

Tuesday ... Brodie had the day off because it was Parent/Teacher/Student interviews. Angus's sports day was cancelled once again due to the hot weather. It was the third time it was cancelled too. They are hoping that it will be held during the second week after next term starts.

Brodie and I went up to the High School just before 1:30 p.m. We went to see all of his teachers. It was wonderful to hear a lot of good stuff being said. Brodie of course was Mister Negative! Saying how awful it was that the teachers would only say bad things about him. I think that perhaps he was so used to the bad reports that he didn't exactly know how to react to the good stuff. Although I was not impressed with his behaviour. He was butting in, talking over the top of the teachers or myself and fidgeting like crazy!

Wednesday .. I can't remember much about yesterday. Which is sad to say really. Other than knitting more beanies and doing some grocery shopping, enjoying the cool change that finally arrived and watching a bit of TV I didn't do much else.

I would blog some more but the boys are nagging for dinner so I'll write some more later if I get the time.

It's The Weekend Again!

It's one of those days again. The type when you think the weather would be nice but when you go outside you feel the bite of the sun, it's getting rather warm out there. It's also the type of weekend where you want to bash your head against the wall because your oldest is in one of his moods again!!

I don't know. I still feel a bit down of late too. I'm just not interested in doing the things I normally do. I've not been to applique for over a month now and I was so interested in completing the Noah's Art quilt but right now I don't even know if I will even look at it again.

Tomorrow is Sunday and you know what that means. It's Church. I don't even feel like going to that let alone preparing the lesson for Nursery. I just no longer wish to do that either. I think I need to talk with the Bishop about it and let him know that I don't want to do my calling any more. I know that Brodie is looking forward to going again. I'm not too sure about Angus though. He complained last time that it was too boring for him and that is why he doesn't do the right thing in class.

Even typing this blog seems too much at the moment. Doing the washing, the dishes, anything really. Maybe it's because I am dreading going to Dad's for Christmas. I honestly don't want to be there for two weeks. The only reason why I will be there that long is because its Dad's 80th birthday on January 7th. He wants me to be there for it as my sisters Vicki and Julie want to give him a party. He's rapt and when I spoke to him on the phone last night he was even giving the count down to his birthday. He's almost like a little kid again!

I suppose I should go and check the washing machine. I think it's finished its load now.

Feeling Blah

Not much to say at the moment other than I feel rather blah at the moment. No matter what I do I feel like things are never ending and that I am in a cycle that I don't like. The boys are just driving me nuts and I am dreading the fact that the school holidays are coming up soon. I hate feeling this way. I've not even bothered with my applique for at least three weeks and that's saying something.

Church, Sewing and Other stuff.

Golly I didn't realise that its been so long since I have written anything here. Guess I have had other things on my mind then huh. I've been busy sewing & doing applique, being with the boys, playing games, going to Church and other things. I've got some photos to upload too but I just don't have the motivation to do much of anything at the moment.
I have made Mark and the boys some boxer shorts. Angus has been lucky enough to get the most made for him as he is a smaller size than everyone else and there has been just enough material left over to make some for him. He of course thinks its great that Mum has made more things for him than anyone else.

I popped in to visit the new Nursery Leader today. She's my new boss I guess you could say. She has come in so full of energy and she has some great ideas that she wants to implement. It's great that there is someone who is so dedicated and wants to make Nursery so exciting for the kids. It makes me feel like I am inadequate and definitely not motivated to work with the same level of energy that she has. It makes me think of something that the Bishop said the other week. Maybe I should ask to give up my calling. I'm not worthy enough to hold it. In fact there have been times over the past few weeks that I think that if I didn't have this calling I would go to Church as often as I do. I know I need to go for the boys sake if not for my own. I just feel indifferent I guess you could call it. I don't want to sound totally apathetic because I'm not .. well I don't think I am. I just don't know any more. Maybe I need to send my spirit sister an email. She might be able to help me a little bit.

Enough is Enough

I've had about all I can take for today. I'm just so tired that I don't want to do anything else but the day hasn't even finished yet. I don't know how much more I can take.

This morning I woke at about 7am after a reasonably restless night. I've had trouble sleeping these past few nights. Well just over the weekend really. Too much to think about and worry about perhaps. Anyway I didn't bother going back to sleep what's the point really I had to get up and take the boys to school. We got the little dude off no problem and then it was up to the High School with the big fella for yet ANOTHER meeting this time at 9:15 a.m. We ran a little late .. I hate driving up through Jindi like I did today but there was no point going around the other way it's a waste of time and petrol. The road has too many twists and turns and is very hilly.

The AP, suggested I take a look online to find out some information about Oppositional Defiant Disorder (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry). He was reading about it last week and he said it described the big fella really well. So when I finally made it home I checked and sure enough it does describe him to a T. So there is yet another label that we can attach to him. Something else to describe his 'behaviour'.

Oh I know that there has been no diagnosis of this but at this stage it doesn't really matter. I've had just about all I can take and I don't want ANYTHING else to go wrong. It's not like we don't have enough to contend with as it is. I still feel like I am being punished. I don't know what I did wrong but I just cannot take it any more. While at the school I was also informed that the big fella is to be picked up at 12:50 each day. (Yippee more travelling!!!! ~ that adds another 250 km at least to our weekly travels!!)

So today I went up there to collect him at the time I was told to only to be informed that he has 'hurt' his ankle and that he told the teachers that he wanted them to phone me so that I can get crutches for him. Well of course I don't have the money to get them. I have barely enough money to put food on the table this week. In fact I spent all of the $70 we had on groceries after I collected the big fella. Anyway the big fella abused me for not getting the crutches and started yelling at me and telling me that he would rather stay at school! Well HELLO!! They don't want you there in the afternoons MISTER!! So you have to come home!! He tried to make a huge fuss in front of some kids that where there so I just told him straight out that the school doesn't want him there and he has to get into the car. Well if looks could kill I would be dead!! We left the school and I went grocery shopping and the big fella sat on his butt in the car and left everything to me. Needless to say that when we got home I was not a happy camper! I told him off for being lazy and faking his sore ankle. He put weight on it and could walk about. If you've sprained it you can't put any pressure on it. I know I've sprained one of my ankles before!!

Oh great I look at the clock and I have to go out AGAIN in a few minutes. This time to collect the little dude. I swear I am going to HATE driving soon. It have become such a chore when it shouldn't be! I would love nothing more than to sit on the couch and curl up with a book or pretend to watch t.v. but that wont happen! When I get home I'll have to start doing something about dinner among other things. I just want this day to end already!!

Tonight is meant to be family home evening but I don't even know if we are going to do that either. Mark is asleep at the moment. He's been asleep nearly all day so I don't know if he is up to sitting at the table tonight or not. I'm in such a grump I am likely to snap at the kids and I don't want to do that. I'm not even in the mood for FHE. Who knows what the little dude will be like .. probably fine until he gets home and the big fella abuses him like he usually does.

I've been thinking about our finances and to tell you the truth it is giving me a headache. We've done a budget that we showed the Bishop last week and it needs to be amended with extras added in more detail so that the Bishop can see where we need some assistance. Mark hasn't been up to doing it. Well not today at least but it need to be done before tomorrow afternoon when we have to go to the chapel for the big fellas Young Men's activity, which for the moment is basketball practise. They have a game coming up this Saturday. We need to finalise the details for that too. I don't even know if Mark will be able to drive Brodie there tomorrow night or not yet. If he isn't able to I'll have to do it and I hate driving at night. Not only that but we need to measure the front window that the big fella smashed. To be honest I hate asking for charity. It means that I am unable to provide for my family. Things have just been so hard I don't know how we are going to manage at all.

Gosh I've lost my train of thought .. the big fella interrupted me .. not that it matters really. I need to get off this thing and get ready to collect the little dude from school. MORE travelling .. just GREAT!!

STOP the world. I want to get OFF!!! I can't take any more!!

That Surgery ...

Yesterday Mark had surgery for a vasectomy. I've really hated the thought of him going in for this surgery but it is his body after all and I can't really stop him. I think of so many things of what could've been and I also think of what my ex-husband said to me when we split up. Apart from him calling me a whore among other nasty words he said I stole his manhood because he also had a vasectomy. In fact I didn't want to have any more of his children and my mother would've killed him if he made me pregnant again. She was dead set against me having more kids because the midwives told her that it wouldn't be safe for me to have another one considering how sick I was while having the little dude.

I've been feeling rather miserable about the whole thing which I know I shouldn't. I kind of feel rather selfish at the moment. I've been thinking about a couple of things Mark has said but I also think about the things that have happened. I'd better type both of them so that you know where I'm coming from. Mark said to me that he didn't wish for me to risk my life like Hazel (his first love) did by falling pregnant. There were complications and she became very ill. Mark blamed himself for years because she passed away. But I explained to him it was something I was willing to do because I love him. He still said that he didn't want me to end up like Hazel and said that he loves me more than anything. I should be happy with that, shouldn't I!?! But then I think of his ex and how she has Mark's baby and now Mark is unable to see him. I think he let her have his baby but he wont let me! Irrational thinking I know because I know full well that Mark didn't let her really... she didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks gone. It doesn't seem fair but I do understand his reasoning's yet it still hurts.

I don't think Mark fully understands the strong desire that women can have to be a mother, even though he is such a compassionate and sensitive person. I know he understands the majority of it but not completely. To come to terms with the fact that you cannot have another baby, to feel that baby growing inside you and to know how special that feels to create a new person and hold them in your arms after they've been born. It's so hard for a woman to be told that she cannot have another child. It hurts to much because I love Mark with all my heart and I want nothing more than to show him how much by creating a new life, a baby, with him.

Mark said we could always adopt but that will never happen. They wont let us adopt when you are over a certain age (not sure how old but they wont let you) then they may not let us due to our mental illness histories. Perhaps I will just have to wait until I have grandchildren. Or maybe just maybe we could foster a child. That would be good wouldn't it?

I don't think I am able to let Mark know how I feel just yet. I just end up in tears. I'm crying now. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to say all of these things to you but I hope you will understand how difficult this is for me.

I'm being punished

Not again! I don't know what's going on with the big fella but I feel like I am being punished because of his behaviour. I now have the pleasure of his company until Monday morning when he is allowed back to school.
I no longer know what to do with him. We're bending over backwards to help him but he thinks that everyone is out to get him and that nothing he has done contributes to the trouble he gets himself into! This time he was suspended for sexual harassment & violence. I'm really not very happy about this but he swears he didn't say anything wrong, however he admits to the violence. He also said that his so called 'friends' were teasing him at the bus stop calling him names, saying he was gay and throwing acorns at him.
I explained to him that yes I can understand why he was angry but that he should've gone to tell one of the teachers as soon as he got to school rather than let the other kids get to him and stir him up some more.

I am at such a loss with him. I'm so frustrated, disappointed and hurt that I feel like I am being punished for something and I don't know why. Mark said I'm not its just that I am being tested. Well I don't like this test at all!!!

I'm still having a hard time wondering how he will cope with his academic work at school if he is spending so much of his valuable learning time home on suspension rather than at school learning. Where will this get him if he isn't learning what he needs to learn to survive out there in the real world??

The big fella was tested yesterday by the same lady who tested him the year he was diagnosed with ADHD & Aspergers Syndrome. She was the same lady who said to the Primary School Principal that he did NOT have Aspergers and therefore will not be able to get an integration aide at school. Now if this is the same lady that said he wont get an aide when he was back in Grade 4 what makes the school think she will say that he will get one now that he is in High School. What I don't get is that if the paediatrician said he has Aspergers where does she get off saying that he doesn't? Well this testing was done for the HS and they will receive a copy of the 'results' I guess you could call them and I will receive a copy as well. Not that I ever got a copy of the testing this lady did when he was in Grade 4. To be honest I don't even know what she was testing for but I did see her briefly yesterday when I picked up the big fella and she said that academically he is sound. Well der I already knew that .. its the behavioural side of things I am having problems dealing and coping with.

Gosh I sound so sarcastic at the moment. I know I probably shouldn't but right now I am at that who cares stage. I don't care what they think I just want the best for my son and I don't know if they are providing it for him. There is only so much I can do I am NOT a miracle worker!!!!

A good day?

I was all set to write this post about how things went really well at school for the big fella today and how we had a productive afternoon with the big fella learning how to cook chicken pieces as a Home Ec lesson done at home. However right now I am feeling awfully flat. I'm not in the mood to do anything right now. I don't even really want to watch television, which probably isn't a bad thing anyway.
Maybe I should just take my meds and hop into bed. I'm feeling awfully tired right now.

Why can't I have NORMAL kids?!?!?!!

Why can't I have NORMAL children? What ever normal really is??!! Why are they special needs kids? Why can't they just fit into mainstream school without a problem. What have I don't wrong for things to be as bad as they are? There must've been something. Why can't the High School threat the big fella as a special needs kid and concentrate on a way to help him thrive rather than suspend him for his behaviour. Why can't they see that suspending him doesn't help him understand? He has no idea what's going on really!! Booting him out of school for 10 days this time will NOT teach him what he needs to learn to change his behaviour and for him to learn to take responsibility for his actions!!

I cannot believe that I have all these questions and yet there is NO real answer that can help me. I am at a total loss. I can't think much further than a day at a time at the moment. I feel like the High School has let me down. That they have not given the big fella a chance. That they have not helped him as much as they could before deciding to wash their hands of him. I was told on Monday afternoon that I should probably phone other High Schools in the area to see if they are prepared to take him. Today I found out from Ellie (whom we had an interview with today) that it is his current High Schools responsibility to do that if they no longer want him at their school. Even in the case of them expelling him (I hope that never happens) they need to find him another school especially because he is under 15 yrs old.

Being a special needs kid they should understand that he needs boundaries and extra support. That throwing him into a new school setting making him sink or swim is not the kind of environment he needs. For any 'normal' kid beginning High School is a scary thing. Just imagine how bad it is for a child with Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD & now epilepsy. If that doesn't make him a special needs kid I don't know what will! I still believe that the Education Department should allow him to have an integration aide. When I tried to get him one back when he was in grade 4 the Special Ed teacher who came to the school to assess him said he didn't even have Aspergers! Well hello!! I have news for you lady! I guess she spoke to him on a really good day!!

Right now all I feel like doing is crying. It's not right that I feel so helpless and unable to do a thing. It's just not fair! Why can't things be NORMAL! I just don't know what to do anymore. What have I dont wrong??

I'm such a hypocrite

Being a Sunday we went off to church again. It was fast & testimony day. Which of course we had no idea that it was until we got there. Not that it would've made a difference anyway.

During Sacrament the big fella got a bee in his bonnet about not wanting to sit near us, me in particular, and he did NOT want to sing the hymns which was fine because I didn't feel like doing that either. What hurt me the most was that when I tried to encourage him to sit next to me so we could at least read the hymn book together he moved further and further away from me. I know if we hadn't been in the chapel at the time I would've back handed him. So perhaps in the long run it was a good thing that we were in there. He asked to leave for a bathroom break. FINE! I had no problem with that but I didn't want him to come back and sit with me. Oh I know I shouldn't be like that at the best of time but it was even worse (in my opinion) to feel like that on a Sunday especially while we were at church!! He just pushes my buttons. Mark says that the big fella doesn't do that on purpose but it certainly feels that way. I know he is a special needs kid but I just cannot seem to cope with him right now. After putting everyone else's needs before mine it tends to make you feel so awful after a while when you don't get some ME time!

Anyway all these people were getting up to bear their testimony today. Even some little children. While I was sitting there, feeling rather self-absorbed, I kept thinking how much of a hypocrite I am. Doing all of the wrong things, making all the wrong choices and thinking how wrong it was for me to even be there among all these people who deserved to be at church. Who have a stronger faith & belief than I do and who were strong enough & willing to get up there in front of everyone and bear their testimony. In fact I felt so bad that I had been digging my nails into my hand to remind me of how bad I felt. (Sorry Mark I know I never told you but you know now, plus the redness is almost completely faded now). I still, even now, while typing this fell unworthy of anything.

After Sacrament, the big fella went off into his Sunday school class. He went really willingly which was great and I felt happy for a brief moment that he went and did this. However, the little dude did nothing but complain about how much he wanted to go home. I kept thinking NO! We will NOT go home just because you don't want to be here (even though I felt unworthy of being there myself) we ARE staying put!! Eventually some of the Primary teachers came to talk with the little dude. He felt a little better which was, in my books, a good thing. I sent Mark & the big fella off to their meeting and I stayed with the little guy. Not that I wanted to. I was becoming increasingly frustrated by this point. Thinking great now what? I miss out on meeting other members, the sisters in this case, and I need to sit here with you. As I said earlier I was and still was at that stage feeling rather self-absorbed! You know that What about me?? thing we seem to go through now and then!

Eventually I managed to talk the little dude to going into the Primary class. They tried so hard to make him feel welcome but I knew that he didn't truly wish to be there. In fact neither did I but I stayed there for him.
While the kids were singing and sharing their feelings & talking about the gospel, etc all I could think of was what am I doing here? I thought of how I am glad that I no longer work with children and that I no longer wish to work with them. In fact I feel down right awful for feeling this way but sometimes you just cannot help the way you feel. After all I was a teacher for such a long time and I loved working with kids. But that was back then not now.

We haven't been home all that long, an hour or two, but on the drive home I was still feeling rather self-absorbed and just plain sick to the stomach. There were times when I felt like bursting into tears. In fact I know I had to wipe some tears hoping desperately that Mark didn't see them.

With the way I have been feeling, the unworthiness etc, I just feel like my hands are tied and I am unable to do what I want. To live how I want. I was also thinking about how the government, mainly Centrelink, is forcing me to go back to work. I keep thinking I don't want to work. Mark mentioned that I could do some courses, it's not like I haven't tried, I applied to go to University but was knocked back. I did that because I wanted Centrelink off my back before they got the chance to make me look for work. I've been a stay at home Mum for just over 4 years now and I like it. I don't want to work. Why should the government make me go to work when I am happy looking after my children?
Mark also said that since I know have all my paper work (my replacement diploma) perhaps I should apply to become a relief teacher. But to be honest I don't want that. I don't want to have the uncertainty of not knowing when I will be working. I don't want to make plans to go somewhere only to have to cancel them because I got called into work. I just hated that when I used to be a relief teacher in South Australia. I hated apologising to friends & family for breaking appointments or dates. In the end I just hated work. I don't want to go down that path again.

As you can see I have loads of problems right now. Being self-absorbed is one of them at the moment. I just don't know what to do any more. I just feel so helpless and unworthy. I just want to cry.

I've been thinking .. ..

I don't know how to put this in writing without the possibility of it being read the wrong way or taken out of context. I do, however, feel the need to write something.

Over the past few days I have been feeling awfully blue and I didn't have much of a clue as to why. So I did a bit of thinking .. not always a good thing for me it tends to get me into trouble! Anyway here's what I have been thinking about .. well mostly last night anyway just before I went to bed.

I know I am still coming to terms with the idea of being in a partnership (after all I had been on my own for 5 years) and I believe that I am doing really well adapting. I still have a lot to learn and most importantly I know I need to learn to communicate better.
Now don't get me wrong here, this is where I am worried that things may be taken out of context, but they might not be though. Mark and I have separate bedrooms and I totally understand the need for him to have his own space and for me to have mine. After all we all need to have a place to retreat to now and then even if it's just to contemplate our navel, read a book or whatever we feel we need this space for. However, there are times when I just want nothing more than to be held while I drift off to sleep. Now I am not the type of person who will jump up and say "HEY this is what I feel I need right now or this is what I want right now." I'll just go with the flow and let things happen even if things don't go my way. Oh I can hear you thinking well STOP being like that and speak up! I don't know if I can, I truly don't. You could say I am too timid or shy. Well I am in some respects but not in all.
Now Mark I know you are going to read this so please forgive me for not sharing this with you during our recent conversations. You know I have trouble sharing a lot of things. This is still a learning curve for me ~ for both of us really. I really don't want to screw this up. We have so much potential as a couple, as a family.

Another thing that has been occupying my mind a lot recently is how the boys treat each other and Mark & I. Well perhaps not so much with Mark, they tend to pay more attention to him than they do me. They always have.
They have been causing me so much stress of late with their behaviour, their attitudes, the stealing, the lying, the cursing, the swearing.. the list just goes on and on. I know that I shouldn't let the boys get to me like they do and I need to have more patience where they are concerned but they sure do know how to push my buttons and get me riled up!! I know I shall be relieved when school goes back tomorrow, I know that sounds awful but that's just the way I feel.

Also I know that I haven't been as enthusiastic about going to Church as I should be. I know it will be a good influence on the boys but I have the feeling it will be good for ALL of us. Including me ~ even if I don't show it.
I do know that once I was at Church today I felt better than I had been for the last few days. So that's a good thing, right? Who knows the more we go the better things might become for all of us.

Rollercoaster Ride

Goodness me I've been on a rollercoaster ride ~ AGAIN! One minute I am fine the next I feel empty, worthless, disappointed and it makes me want to cry. If I knew what the triggers were for me to start feeling like this I would try to avoid them or change them somehow but I have no clue as to what sets me off. It's a good thing Mark convinced me to make a doctors appointment for next week. I guess I need to let the doctor know all about my 'adventures' and stress from the past week.
To be honest I think that once the boys are back at school things may settle down a bit as well. At least I am hoping it will.

Even though I have my rollercoaster rides I'm also worried about Mark & the boys. Guess that's natural too. Sometimes I wish that everything would just be 'normal' for a change whatever normal is. I just want things to be easier than they are, for the boys to get along for one day without fighting. Is one day too much to ask for? I don't believe it is but I know that it wont happen. It never will.

I do know one thing even though school will be back next week, it will be an extremely busy week. With three of us having doctor's appointments ~ ALL in different towns!! The big fella has a check up on Wednesday to see how he is going on his new medication. I also need to go up to the High School to let them know that there is a change in all the medical information for the big fella. The little dude is also meant to be starting guitar lessons next week. I have no idea what night that will be on, either Thursday or Friday. I'd hate to think about the amount of driving I'll need to do .. .. I just hope that by the end of the week I don't feel burnt out.

Right now I am thankful that I do feel a little better than I did 40 minutes ago. I know Mark will be relieved with that. He worries so much about me. He shouldn't though. I usually bounce back .. you know like a cat landing on its feet!

Right off topic now .. I'm going to watch one of my favourite movies this weekend, "My Fair Lady" and I'm going to make the boys watch it with me. They will also have to put up with my singing too!! Should be fun! I will NOT let them disappear and watch another movie! Sometimes a Mum has to put her foot down!!!

Golly my I just read back through this .. I even wonder if I should even post this. My thoughts can jump in a million directions at once and I never seem to be able to get what I really want said. Perhaps I am too conservative or frightened to put what I really feel out there for others to read.
I don't know .. .. I just hope that this rollercoaster ride stops soon.

Ironing .. ..

I thought I was doing the right thing trying on a shirt to see if it still fit before I bothered to iron it. Well I tried it on and it didn't fit! Gosh I hate it! I'm too fat! I either need to lose weight (which I am NOT motivated to do) or buy some NEW FAT clothes!

This is so depressing and disheartening. Yes I know Mark said he doesn't mind how I look but I do. Gosh I didn't think I was that bad but it's now obvious that I am. I just feel I've let myself down.

Sometimes I think why even bother to do anything .. .. ..it never turns out the way I hoped it would

Moody Blues

The other day (or it could've been yesterday I can't remember) I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a possum pretending to be an elephant on the roof of the cabin. Being a metal cabin and having a possum run over the top of it makes it sound awfully loud.

I couldn't get back to sleep after that. I tried and I tried but nothing seemed to work. I eventually got up and sat at the computer thinking that perhaps creating something on PSP would be helpful so I made a new IM stat. It didn't really help and to be honest I didn't really like what I ended up making either. After about an hour I went back to bed to read for a bit to see if that helped me to become sleepy. No luck with that either. I gave that up as a bad joke.
I ended up just laying in bed staring at some pictures that I have on the chest of drawers next to my bed. I was staring at the picture of my parents. Mum looked really nice at age 16 and there was one of Dad in his army uniform at age 18.

Anyway you know what happens when you can't sleep. Your mind starts wandering and playing tricks on you. I got thinking about all sorts of things. Not necessarily all good either. I thought about my family back in Adelaide and how I don't hear from them unless they want something. (All except Dad that is). I got to thinking how I don't really have all that many friends here in Victoria. Not that this has bothered me much before but it seemed to in the early hours of the morning. Silly huh.

Somewhere during this time Mark had woken up, his room is next to mine and we have a sliding door in between the rooms so we can open it up and chat if we want to. Mark noticed something was up .. and it was. I just couldn't share what I needed or wanted to say. It's a problem I have always had and I need to break it as it's a bad habit to stay in. Mark seems to think that I should go and see my GP. Perhaps he is right and I need to. Maybe my meds need to be adjusted or something. Or just maybe its the fact that I've had a depo injection and it's screwing things up with my anti-depressants. Who knows?! Maybe this is just a cop-out and I am just thinking of different things to blame rather than face the possibility that something truly is wrong.

All I know is that the other day things seemed a little overwhelming and I wanted to cry. Nothing seemed to be able to cheer me up. Not even the thought of getting Lily. Even though she is a great looking car and is a huge step up from Tess. Mark, I'm sorry for not being able to share everything with you. I know I need to work on that. It's still a learning curve for me and I need to adjust to the fact that I am no longer alone in everything that I do.
I know I have a lot to work on!

What is WRONG with ME??

I really should be counting my blessing right now. Yet for some reason I feel like I am unable too. I am feeling completely miserable and all I want to do is cry. I'm a walking pile of jumbled up hormones!! That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

Last night I couldn't concentrate on anything. Mind you it didn't help that I got two phone calls from the camp Brodie is on. The first one was regarding his medication. The second one was to let me know Brodie wasn't feeling all that well. I spoke to Lynn, next-door, and she reminded me that Brodie also felt unwell on his last camp. Perhaps he was home sick or something. I don't know. I expected the phone to ring for a third time saying please come and collect him. Thankfully that call never came. So he must be alright.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I couldn't concentrate .. .. I tried playing a few games on the computer but I lost interest, They just didn't capture my attention. Where I could normally play them for hours at a time, well maybe not hours, at least its normally longer than a few minutes like it was yesterday. So I gave up with them and decided to watch a bit of tv. Desperate Housewives was on and I love that show .. but guess what I found I couldn't concentrate on that either. SO I though okay while I am sitting here I'll do a crossword puzzle maybe that will help. So after opening up the book and perhaps filling in one or two clues I closed the book. No biggy I sometimes do that anyway. The next thing was knitting. I am making myself a pretty purple fluffy scarf at the moment. Mind you I've been making it for the last month or so. I just don't always find the time to do that but I gave up on that as well after knitting one row. So back to the computer I went and opened up PSP. I thought maybe creating something else will help. Guess what!?! I couldn't find any tubes I liked so I closed that too. By this time it was only 10 pm. Too early for bed .. well too early for me anyway. I ended up walking around the cabin not doing anything in particular.

I kept thinking what is wrong with me??? I'm still feeling this way this morning. I just want to cry. I feel old, fat, ugly and most of all I want my Mum. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Its not like I am unloved or anything. I know I am loved I just HATE feeling like I have no idea about what I want. Right now I have this feeling that I need to be strong and brave. I don't want to feel strong. I don't want to feel brave. I just want to be cared for.

Mark tried to get me to talk earlier but I didn't feel I was able to and I am so sorry for not doing so. I know I have a huge problem about sharing how I feel. I mean consider this, it took me years to feel confident enough to tell someone I loved them without using 'code' words. I just couldn't say it at all not even to the boys. Bottling things up like this does NOT help and I know where it can lead. It's a case of Been There Done That! And I don't particularly wish to go down that path again.

Today I am meant to be doing my UVB and I don't even feel up to that either. Mark was telling me it's my choice and to not come back later complaining about my skin. I hate it when he puts it back on me. Its not a bad thing that he does that either. In fact it's a good thing because it really is up to ME and no one else. I just don't want to decide anything while I am in this frame of mind. Not that I have really explained it completely. Maybe I should just get up off my butt and do something .. be spontaneous (yeah right) or just do something so that I can keep my mind occupied so I don't have to think too much. Thinking might get me into trouble!

Have I done something wrong??

What a week it's been and its only Wednesday!
I feel like I have been through a huge battle of some kind .. maybe its just a mind overload!!

Yesterday I received my second phone call (in two days) from the High School where Brodie attends. They needed to inform me of some of the bad decisions he has been making in regards to disrupting classes, showing off, bad language and general horrid behaviour. We arranged for me to travel up to the school this morning to see one of the Yr 7 Co-ordinators so that we can discuss some strategies and the kinds of behaviours he has shown in the past, like things that have worked or haven't worked for him.
I am so glad that I got to go up to the school. The co-ordinator - Dibber as the kids call him - was very nice. Listened carefully and spoke of the things that they are willing to do for the big dude! One thing was he would like to put the fear of God into him. To show him how unpleasant it will be for him if he continues to 'break' the rules. I thought that was a good idea.
They also phoned the Primary school this afternoon to discuss strategies that helped Brodie while he was there. I sure do hope that it was helpful. Anything to get this boy back on the straight and narrow!!!

I've had a lot of time to think today. Most of the things I thought about were all of the things that went wrong in Primary School. The hard times we've had. Oh I know I shouldn't dwell on past mistakes or problems but how are we meant to learn if we don't. The trouble is it makes me think its ALL my fault regardless of whether it was or not. I feel like I am personally responsible for everything. Oh I know it's not me that has made the bad decisions in the Primary School or at the High School but I still feel responsible in some way for how he is reacting or acting up right NOW!! I know it was HIS decision to have the potty mouth, HIS decision to call out and disrupt the class, HIS decision to make the teacher lose valuable teaching time & HIS decision to be a prat!!
I am just so worried about what is going to happen when he gets older. Will he get into the wrong crowd? Will he get into more trouble? Will he (God forbid) end up in prison like one of his uncles? It truly scares me. Right now all I want to do is cry my eyes out. Perhaps it might do him some good to see Mum crying and finding out that she is like this because she is so worried about him.

I know that some of this behaviour could be from Brodie's Aspergers or from the impulsiveness of the ADHD. I have no idea if it is just him testing the new situation he is in and checking out his boundaries. I just have no idea at all. But whatever it is I sure do hope that we can get to the bottom of this and turn Brodie's behaviour around. He is only one step away from being suspended ... and here it is only the third week back for the new school year!