Yesterday Mark had surgery for a vasectomy. I've really hated the thought of him going in for this surgery but it is his body after all and I can't really stop him. I think of so many things of what could've been and I also think of what my ex-husband said to me when we split up. Apart from him calling me a whore among other nasty words he said I stole his manhood because he also had a vasectomy. In fact I didn't want to have any more of his children and my mother would've killed him if he made me pregnant again. She was dead set against me having more kids because the midwives told her that it wouldn't be safe for me to have another one considering how sick I was while having the little dude.
I've been feeling rather miserable about the whole thing which I know I shouldn't. I kind of feel rather selfish at the moment. I've been thinking about a couple of things Mark has said but I also think about the things that have happened. I'd better type both of them so that you know where I'm coming from. Mark said to me that he didn't wish for me to risk my life like Hazel (his first love) did by falling pregnant. There were complications and she became very ill. Mark blamed himself for years because she passed away. But I explained to him it was something I was willing to do because I love him. He still said that he didn't want me to end up like Hazel and said that he loves me more than anything. I should be happy with that, shouldn't I!?! But then I think of his ex and how she has Mark's baby and now Mark is unable to see him. I think he let her have his baby but he wont let me! Irrational thinking I know because I know full well that Mark didn't let her really... she didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks gone. It doesn't seem fair but I do understand his reasoning's yet it still hurts.
I don't think Mark fully understands the strong desire that women can have to be a mother, even though he is such a compassionate and sensitive person. I know he understands the majority of it but not completely. To come to terms with the fact that you cannot have another baby, to feel that baby growing inside you and to know how special that feels to create a new person and hold them in your arms after they've been born. It's so hard for a woman to be told that she cannot have another child. It hurts to much because I love Mark with all my heart and I want nothing more than to show him how much by creating a new life, a baby, with him.
I've been feeling rather miserable about the whole thing which I know I shouldn't. I kind of feel rather selfish at the moment. I've been thinking about a couple of things Mark has said but I also think about the things that have happened. I'd better type both of them so that you know where I'm coming from. Mark said to me that he didn't wish for me to risk my life like Hazel (his first love) did by falling pregnant. There were complications and she became very ill. Mark blamed himself for years because she passed away. But I explained to him it was something I was willing to do because I love him. He still said that he didn't want me to end up like Hazel and said that he loves me more than anything. I should be happy with that, shouldn't I!?! But then I think of his ex and how she has Mark's baby and now Mark is unable to see him. I think he let her have his baby but he wont let me! Irrational thinking I know because I know full well that Mark didn't let her really... she didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks gone. It doesn't seem fair but I do understand his reasoning's yet it still hurts.
I don't think Mark fully understands the strong desire that women can have to be a mother, even though he is such a compassionate and sensitive person. I know he understands the majority of it but not completely. To come to terms with the fact that you cannot have another baby, to feel that baby growing inside you and to know how special that feels to create a new person and hold them in your arms after they've been born. It's so hard for a woman to be told that she cannot have another child. It hurts to much because I love Mark with all my heart and I want nothing more than to show him how much by creating a new life, a baby, with him.
Mark said we could always adopt but that will never happen. They wont let us adopt when you are over a certain age (not sure how old but they wont let you) then they may not let us due to our mental illness histories. Perhaps I will just have to wait until I have grandchildren. Or maybe just maybe we could foster a child. That would be good wouldn't it?
I don't think I am able to let Mark know how I feel just yet. I just end up in tears. I'm crying now. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to say all of these things to you but I hope you will understand how difficult this is for me.
I don't think I am able to let Mark know how I feel just yet. I just end up in tears. I'm crying now. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to say all of these things to you but I hope you will understand how difficult this is for me.
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