I've been thinking .. ..

I don't know how to put this in writing without the possibility of it being read the wrong way or taken out of context. I do, however, feel the need to write something.

Over the past few days I have been feeling awfully blue and I didn't have much of a clue as to why. So I did a bit of thinking .. not always a good thing for me it tends to get me into trouble! Anyway here's what I have been thinking about .. well mostly last night anyway just before I went to bed.

I know I am still coming to terms with the idea of being in a partnership (after all I had been on my own for 5 years) and I believe that I am doing really well adapting. I still have a lot to learn and most importantly I know I need to learn to communicate better.
Now don't get me wrong here, this is where I am worried that things may be taken out of context, but they might not be though. Mark and I have separate bedrooms and I totally understand the need for him to have his own space and for me to have mine. After all we all need to have a place to retreat to now and then even if it's just to contemplate our navel, read a book or whatever we feel we need this space for. However, there are times when I just want nothing more than to be held while I drift off to sleep. Now I am not the type of person who will jump up and say "HEY this is what I feel I need right now or this is what I want right now." I'll just go with the flow and let things happen even if things don't go my way. Oh I can hear you thinking well STOP being like that and speak up! I don't know if I can, I truly don't. You could say I am too timid or shy. Well I am in some respects but not in all.
Now Mark I know you are going to read this so please forgive me for not sharing this with you during our recent conversations. You know I have trouble sharing a lot of things. This is still a learning curve for me ~ for both of us really. I really don't want to screw this up. We have so much potential as a couple, as a family.

Another thing that has been occupying my mind a lot recently is how the boys treat each other and Mark & I. Well perhaps not so much with Mark, they tend to pay more attention to him than they do me. They always have.
They have been causing me so much stress of late with their behaviour, their attitudes, the stealing, the lying, the cursing, the swearing.. the list just goes on and on. I know that I shouldn't let the boys get to me like they do and I need to have more patience where they are concerned but they sure do know how to push my buttons and get me riled up!! I know I shall be relieved when school goes back tomorrow, I know that sounds awful but that's just the way I feel.

Also I know that I haven't been as enthusiastic about going to Church as I should be. I know it will be a good influence on the boys but I have the feeling it will be good for ALL of us. Including me ~ even if I don't show it.
I do know that once I was at Church today I felt better than I had been for the last few days. So that's a good thing, right? Who knows the more we go the better things might become for all of us.