Being a Sunday we went off to church again. It was fast & testimony day. Which of course we had no idea that it was until we got there. Not that it would've made a difference anyway.
During Sacrament the big fella got a bee in his bonnet about not wanting to sit near us, me in particular, and he did NOT want to sing the hymns which was fine because I didn't feel like doing that either. What hurt me the most was that when I tried to encourage him to sit next to me so we could at least read the hymn book together he moved further and further away from me. I know if we hadn't been in the chapel at the time I would've back handed him. So perhaps in the long run it was a good thing that we were in there. He asked to leave for a bathroom break. FINE! I had no problem with that but I didn't want him to come back and sit with me. Oh I know I shouldn't be like that at the best of time but it was even worse (in my opinion) to feel like that on a Sunday especially while we were at church!! He just pushes my buttons. Mark says that the big fella doesn't do that on purpose but it certainly feels that way. I know he is a special needs kid but I just cannot seem to cope with him right now. After putting everyone else's needs before mine it tends to make you feel so awful after a while when you don't get some ME time!
Anyway all these people were getting up to bear their testimony today. Even some little children. While I was sitting there, feeling rather self-absorbed, I kept thinking how much of a hypocrite I am. Doing all of the wrong things, making all the wrong choices and thinking how wrong it was for me to even be there among all these people who deserved to be at church. Who have a stronger faith & belief than I do and who were strong enough & willing to get up there in front of everyone and bear their testimony. In fact I felt so bad that I had been digging my nails into my hand to remind me of how bad I felt. (Sorry Mark I know I never told you but you know now, plus the redness is almost completely faded now). I still, even now, while typing this fell unworthy of anything.
After Sacrament, the big fella went off into his Sunday school class. He went really willingly which was great and I felt happy for a brief moment that he went and did this. However, the little dude did nothing but complain about how much he wanted to go home. I kept thinking NO! We will NOT go home just because you don't want to be here (even though I felt unworthy of being there myself) we ARE staying put!! Eventually some of the Primary teachers came to talk with the little dude. He felt a little better which was, in my books, a good thing. I sent Mark & the big fella off to their meeting and I stayed with the little guy. Not that I wanted to. I was becoming increasingly frustrated by this point. Thinking great now what? I miss out on meeting other members, the sisters in this case, and I need to sit here with you. As I said earlier I was and still was at that stage feeling rather self-absorbed! You know that What about me?? thing we seem to go through now and then!
Eventually I managed to talk the little dude to going into the Primary class. They tried so hard to make him feel welcome but I knew that he didn't truly wish to be there. In fact neither did I but I stayed there for him.
While the kids were singing and sharing their feelings & talking about the gospel, etc all I could think of was what am I doing here? I thought of how I am glad that I no longer work with children and that I no longer wish to work with them. In fact I feel down right awful for feeling this way but sometimes you just cannot help the way you feel. After all I was a teacher for such a long time and I loved working with kids. But that was back then not now.
We haven't been home all that long, an hour or two, but on the drive home I was still feeling rather self-absorbed and just plain sick to the stomach. There were times when I felt like bursting into tears. In fact I know I had to wipe some tears hoping desperately that Mark didn't see them.
With the way I have been feeling, the unworthiness etc, I just feel like my hands are tied and I am unable to do what I want. To live how I want. I was also thinking about how the government, mainly Centrelink, is forcing me to go back to work. I keep thinking I don't want to work. Mark mentioned that I could do some courses, it's not like I haven't tried, I applied to go to University but was knocked back. I did that because I wanted Centrelink off my back before they got the chance to make me look for work. I've been a stay at home Mum for just over 4 years now and I like it. I don't want to work. Why should the government make me go to work when I am happy looking after my children?
Mark also said that since I know have all my paper work (my replacement diploma) perhaps I should apply to become a relief teacher. But to be honest I don't want that. I don't want to have the uncertainty of not knowing when I will be working. I don't want to make plans to go somewhere only to have to cancel them because I got called into work. I just hated that when I used to be a relief teacher in South Australia. I hated apologising to friends & family for breaking appointments or dates. In the end I just hated work. I don't want to go down that path again.
As you can see I have loads of problems right now. Being self-absorbed is one of them at the moment. I just don't know what to do any more. I just feel so helpless and unworthy. I just want to cry.
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