Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Off To Hospital We Go

Don't panic it's not a bad thing. Well, it sort of is but it isn't. Ah that doesn't make sense does it? Let me explain ... Brodie has to have three scans done before he is admitted to hospital next week for a video monitoring study of his Epilepsy.

He's having an MRI, a SPECT scan and a PET scan. I'm not exactly sure what the last two are but they are all being done to check his brain. I guess they want a before and after look at his brain after the video monitoring is complete.

Next week when Brodie is admitted to hospital for the video monitoring they will be taking him off his epilepsy medication in the hopes of bringing on his seizures. He needs to have a support person with him 24/7. The support person will need to call the nurse if/when Brodie has a seizure and the nurse will inject him with a dye which will show which area of the brain is affected by his seizures.

This is all being done in the hope that surgery is an option in the future especially if the medication doesn't work as well as it should. Brodie is very keen to be rid of these seizures and wants the operation if he can. In his words "I want my life back!" plus he wants to be able to continue to learn to drive. Something he is not allowed to do because his seizures aren't controlled.

Sadly I am unable to be with him the whole time. Luckily we have volunteers and paid helpers (we need so use some of his DHS disability funding to help us out with that) but we only have the roster filled for the first week *sigh* I don't know what we will be doing for the second week. It's stressing me out big time.

So tonight, Brodz and I will drive the two hours from home to reach the hospital. He has his MRI around 6:45 pm. We shall be staying at the medi-hotel overnight then he has the remaining two scans tomorrow; one at 11 am and the other at 1 pm. Poor thing has to fast for 6 hours for the second scan. He's not very good at fasting. He will need to have breakfast early or he will miss out altogether.

Seriously though. As I mentioned all of this stuff is stressing me out. The neurologist has no idea how much stress he has caused our family with this video monitoring. It's so difficult to do this when you don't have family living in this state. My family, who I know would help out, live 800 kms away. I can't expect them to come over and stay with Brodie at the hospital when I can't. I feel like such a bad Mum being unable to stay with him the whole time but I am Mark's carer and I have to take Angus to an ENT specialist during the first week of Brodie's hospital stay. I need to be home for them as well.

I just want April to be over.

I'm Not In A Good Head-space

Some of the beautiful flowers I spotted on our walk.

Angus and I went for a walk the other morning. I think we walked around 3 kms (1.86 miles). We were gone for about an hour or so. It was pretty darned cold that morning too but it was sunny so that helped. To be honest I don't mind walking in winter just as long as it isn't raining.

I have been trying to be more active lately, well since January any way. And I have been for the most part. There have been times when I feel completely lazy and don't want to do anything. I guess something has worked. I have lost a few kilos earlier in the piece and I have managed to keep them off. So that's a win, right? 

I am just in a bit of a funk right now though. With my stupid psoriasis and my diabetes plus my Church calling that I no longer want and this awful peri-menopause crap that I am dealing with things are getting me down a bit. I am tired of trying to do the right thing all the time. I don't want to have to put all these lotions and potions on my skin. I am sick of taking all these meds that have been prescribed. Honestly I take tablets up to seven times a day AND rub stuff on my skin at least twice a day. It is annoying trying to remember everything. I want to be naughty and do as I want for a change. Most of all I want to sleep. I want to sleep more than 6 hours a night and to not have any aches and pains.

I've told Mark that everything feels like it is becoming too difficult for me at the moment but he wants me to behave especially where my diabetes is concerned. He already lost someone he loved because she didn't do the right thing. Now I feel a guilty for even thinking this way. Stupid and selfish, that's me. I am tired of being the strong one or at least appearing to be.

I am not in a good head space right now. I need to do something that will make me feel good only thing is I am not completely sure what that is at the moment. Something to help me de-stress and not worry about everything that is going on at home. I tell you one thing though. Now that both of the boys are out doing their courses for a few days a week I am enjoying the quiet so that's something.

I saw a Diabetes Educator last week. She suggested that I stop being so hard on myself and that perhaps talking to a counsellor might help. So I did a self-referral at the Community Health Centre. Only problem is that it's a bloke that has booked me in for a chat. I don't know how helpful he will be. I'm pretty sure I would feel more comfortable talking with a woman. I'll see him and see how it goes but I will let him know that I would prefer to talk with a woman if I feel too uncomfortable talking to him. After all if I want to bitch about menopause stuff he wont be as understanding as I would want him to be, right? He just wont get it. Anyway I see him on Friday. I'll see how it goes after that.

I Want To Restart The Day

Do you know those days where you wish you could stay in bed? The ones where they didn't start right and you would like to do it over? Well I think today was the beginning of one of THOSE days.

I got woken up before 7am to this BIG BOOMING voice swearing... "SHUT THE F*** UP!" I immediately woke up. It was Brodie. He was at it again. I hadn't heard all of the conversation because I was woken up so suddenly& had obviously missed it. He was going off at Mark again. All because Mark made a very simple statement/request: Whoever went to the toilet last make sure you flush it next time.
It might not have been those exact words but that was the gist of it. I was half asleep.

Of course with Brodie swearing things started to escalate (like they often do once Brodie starts yelling & swearing). Mark goes to his shed - its HIS space to go cool off. Its like Brodie's space in the bedroom when he closes the curtains around his bed. Except Mark wasn't able to go there in peace. He had slammed the sliding door shut & Brodie comes rushing out of his room hurling MORE abuse. Things get said that probably shouldn't get said. More swear words are thrown about. All the while I am trying to get Brodie to settle down & Mark too. If only Brodie didn't follow Mark things might have settled down a lot faster. You don't follow someone hurling abuse at them!! It's what Mark's ex the "DRAGON" did when she was hurling abuse at him [please don't think me mean for calling his ex Dragon, that was her nickname given to her by her family & if you knew her the reasons would be obvious].

Poor Angus was woken up by this as well. He's devastated that there is yet another fight at home. He goes into the lounge room where its dark and quiet. He's crying. I mean full on crying. It breaks my heart to see him this way. He doesn't want Mark to leave. He loves him to pieces, so do I. He's the only Dad Angus has really known especially since he doesn't remember his father that much.
Angus is worried that if Mark leaves and Brodie goes off again that he might get me in a headlock like he did once before. He doesn't want to see anyone hurt. He said Mum I wont know what to do if Brodie does that. I hug Angus. I mean what else is there to do other than hug him and tell him things will be okay.

Brodie finally settled. Angus stopped crying. Mark is in his shed asleep. The boys are now both at school. Me, well I'm okay but wishing that I could start the day again without any of this.

I am not blaming anyone for this episode. We all have days like this to varying degrees. Well I would like to think so or maybe it is just us families who have a child on the Autism spectrum. I know my family isn't "normal" that is only a cycle for a washing machine. My family is special & that means we wont be perfect. I don't expect us to be either. I do expect more from Brodie though, he has been taught to be better than this. I know he can do better, he has before.
All of this because Brodie was asked to flush a toilet.

The Storm

You can never say life is boring in my house. Your hair would curl if I put everything into a post. Although some days are much better than others. The rest are the kinds of days that you wish you never got out of bed for because it would be easier to sleep the day away. Those are the days that you need to ESCAPE from all sorts of things.

Last night turned into one of those days. I thought it would be nice to have a nice supper, being New Years Eve and all, with lots of yummy food to eat. We had 4 different types of cheeses to taste, dips with celery & carrot sticks, kabana, cocktail franks, crackers and chips. I thought we could sit down to watch a movie together. You know something normal families do. I forgot though, my family is NOT normal! I had completely forgotten that normal was only a cycle on the washing machine. What was I thinking?

You see sometimes my boys are wishy-washy when it comes to some things. Angus was, oh I don't know I can't find the right words to describe it, being overly careful when cutting the cheese and wanted me to do it for him. Mark told him to grow some balls and do it himself. he really meant grow up and do it yourself. You can't have Mum do it for you all the time. Well Brodie didn't like it. That's when it started. The SHIT hit the fan! My goodness the yelling, the swearing, the carry on, the tears.

I'm trying to settle things down asking Brodie to leave the room and calm down. To go to his room and cool off. But NO! He was refusing to listen. More things were said. I don't remember them all but there were probably lots of things that shouldn't have been spoken. Poor Angus is looking at me with pleading eyes. Eyes that were saying I started this didn't I?

Eventually Brodie went to his room. Mark went into his shed. Angus & I were left in the lounge room. What were we meant to do now? Mark says he's leaving. Brodie said he's worthless. Angus & I are crying but for different reasons.

Brodie eventually came out to talk with me. Angus went to talk to Mark. Brodie wanted to apologise but didn't know if he would be believed. I told him that he is good with words if he writes them down. So he went and wrote an email to Mark.

Things are much better today. The storm hit, we survived. We live in the calm before the next tempest! Looking back at things, hindsight is a wonderful thing. There were signs there that stated a blow up might occur. Words could've been chosen more carefully (but who does that in the heat of the moment). I shouldn't have insisted that we all sit in the lounge room. I could've made it more casual.

I mean let's face it Brodie has Aspergers (and Mark has Borderline). I forget that sometimes. Brodie likes routine and its predictability. I changed that routine. Now I am not saying that I am totally to blame. Brodie needs to learn to control his temper and to listen. But as I said hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Any way, it was not the best way to end an old year and start a new one. Let's hope that this new year has a better forecast than yesterdays storm.

One Of THOSE Mornings

We had another one of THOSE starts to the day. You know the type. The ones where the boys have a disagreement. Well maybe not both boys but one in particular does. The kid with the potty mouth, the LOUD mouth, the kid who tells people where to go, the kid who is talking online with a girl who decides to join him with the verbal the abuse towards the little brother.

Yes it was one of THOSE mornings!

I hate mornings like this. I had to intervene because that is what you do. Its what I do. Only if you do say something you cop the "F" work in 50 million different sentences (okay so I exaggerated but it felt like that many & I am certain that he would've make a trooper blush!). I've had enough of these starts to the day. Enough to last a lifetime or two. I told Mr Potty mouth to leave. So he did. He packed his school gear, took his meds and went outside. I assumed he began walking to the bus stop. I wasn't going to chase him as that only makes matters worse. I was going to leave home at the usual time and pick him up on the way.

However he had different ideas. Mr Potty mouth went to the house of one of the kids from his school and got a lift with them to the bus stop. The reason I know this is he was at least kind enough to send me a text message letting me know he's got a ride. I replied to him wishing him the best for today's Music exam.

Poor Angus asked me afterwards, once Brodie had left, if it was his fault that this tantrum/explosion happened. It certainly wasn't. He had hardly uttered a word at all before Brodie blew his stack. I feel so bad that Angus even thought that it was his fault.

Now I am left wondering if this is one of the reactions Brodie has in order to handle the stress of exams. He's not one of those types of kids who reacts well to exams, not that many kids enjoy them they just cope better than my aspie. It just makes me think that it's his way of coping when the day is an unknown. Brodie was never one of those kids who coped at all during the end of the school year & he's the same way at the beginning of a new school year too. I am not making excuses for him but maybe it is his way of trying to get things under control. After all he knows how we will react if he blows his stack. Who knows?

Brodie only has one more exam and that's tomorrow. I'm just crossing my fingers that he doesn't start the day like he did today. I am also crossing my fingers that when I pick him up at the bus stop tonight he is in a much better frame of mind.

Thank Goodness For School!

Thank goodness for SEPARATE schools! I am so glad that the boys do NOT go to the same High School. I am sure that if they did, especially today, that there would be BIG trouble!
Before I even got out of bed I was hearing things like "SHUT the F*** Up!!!!" "I'm going to smash you!"

I couldn't believe my ears. Well maybe I could. To be honest its not like I haven't heard Brodie use that kind of colourful language before. Its just that to be woken up by him swearing at his little brother, let's just say that it isn't the best way to start the day. This started at around 6am and continued until we got in the car just after 8am for our trip to the bus stop.

I know I've said it already but I am ever so grateful that the boys are in different schools. I think that was one of the BEST decisions I ever made. This way they aren't under each others feet & that Angus wont have to worry about Brodie finding him during recess & lunch and threatening him again.

I'm going to dread the afternoon school run just in case we have an encore performance once both boys are home from school. I'm crossing my fingers that Brodie is in a better mood when he gets off the bus this afternoon.

Educating the New Leadership Team

I got a phone call from Brodie's High School this morning from the new librarian, she's the one in control of first aid & sick kids at school, stating that he wasn't feeling well & she wondered what she should do about it. So I let her know that Brodie is a little bit of a hypochondriac, well maybe that's not the right term to use, and that he is ultra sensitive to pain. I spoke with him briefly stating that if he still felt the same way at the end of recess time to let me know and I'll come collect him.
Sure enough 30 minutes later I received another phone call.

I had a brief chat with one of Brodie's aides. She told me that he didn't seem to be coping so well with all of the changes at the school. There is a new Acting Principal (P), Assistant Principal (AP) & three new teachers. This made me wonder if that was the reason for his not feeling terribly well today.

Last night Brodie told me that he had to see the principal this morning because he was very loud while waiting for the school bus to arrive for the school run home. If anyone truly knew my boy, they would know that there is NO real volume control for this kid. He is quiet while sleeping but when he is awake he is either loud or louder.

I explained this to his aide and said that may have been one of the reasons he didn't feel well. I can't say that he was foxing or anything because he did have a snooze when we got home.

On the drive home Brodie & I got to have a bit of a chat. He said that the new Principal & Assistant Principal were making a lot of changes at the school & he didn't like it. What kid truly likes change but what Aspie kid likes change. None that I know of. He also stated that with all the changes at school it now makes him feel uncomfortable & he doesn't really want to go any more.
Not only did he lose an AP he liked & knew well, the regular P is on long service leave but his favourite aide retired at the end of last year. Brodie misses him terribly. These three people understood him. They got to know where he was at. They knew how to calm him down if needed. They helped him adapt. Thank goodness the teacher who works with all the special needs kids is the same person. I am so grateful that she hasn't gone anywhere.

Brodie is a senior now. Although he loves the things that come with it like the white shirts he can wear, the VCE jumpers, sitting at the back of the bus. All the things that let the other kids know he's a senior. He is however not so sure about the workload that comes along with it. He understands that its a lot harder for him now. That more is expected of him & that he can't have too many days off or he will get too far behind to catch up. I am so proud of him today for talking with his teachers so that he could get some work.

I am worried that it will become too difficult for him, that he may have a meltdown because of the extra stress placed on him. I am also worried about the new leadership team who know absolutely nothing about him. I have visions of them trying to make him fit into a round hole when he is actually a square peg. Just like that teacher back in Year 7 & 8 tried.

I totally understand that as a new leadership team they have to place their mark on the school. That all the students need to know what is expected of them. That they have their own boundaries to set & programs to implement. I'm just concerned knowing how Brodie behaves in new & strange situations that they wont be as understanding if he implodes/explodes unless they truly know him & the struggles we've had to get him where he is today. And the leaps & bounds he has made in the last two years.

So, I have decided that I am going to make a phone call to the school & arrange a time to meet the new 'team'. To let them know how concerned I am & that he isn't like all the other kids.

Oh dear. I just read the school newsletter (thankfully I get it emailed to me) and found out that our 'regular' principal will not be returning at the end of the first semester like we believed he would. I am so sad to see him go. Brodie adored him & I thought he was pretty 'cool' myself.

Now I definitely have to go to the school to educate the New Leadership Team if I want Brodie to feel comfortable about the rest of his schooling.

The Boys Father

While we were visiting my Dad I got a phone call from the boys father, Victor. I almost fell off my chair when I realised it was him. We had been in Adelaide for about a day or so when he phoned. Mid you sending him a letter telling him when we were coming to South Australia for a holiday certainly helped. He told me that he was organising his bus ticket from Whyalla to Adelaide and would it be possible for us to pick him up at the Elizabeth train station & take him to his brother Bill's home. I thought wow, sure, I can do that since you are (finally) making the effort to come and see your own sons!

So on Tuesday afternoon he phoned us to say that he was at the train station and could we please come and get him. The boys walked right up to him and he didn't recognise them at all. It wasn't until Brodie said Hello Vic that he finally realised that these boys were HIS kids. I was surprised to note that he didn't recognise them even though I had sent him their most recent school photos so that he would know how much they had grown. Oh well, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised really.

I know it was nice for Vic to finally catch up with the boys BUT .. he has to realise that he shouldn't be trying to crack jokes and think that everything is all hunky dory just because he made the boys laugh. In some ways I think that Vic thought things would be like they used to be between him & the boys before he disappeared on us, & that they were still "buddies".

I know for a fact that Brodie is having such a hard time trying to accept Vic back in his life after a 7 year absence. I mean who wouldn't have a hard time trying to get to know someone after such a long time apart. Brodie even told him on the phone that he didn't want to call him Dad any more because he hadn't been in their lives for so long. Brodie heard Vic swear at Bill saying that the little f**ker didn't want to call him Dad anymore. Of course when I confronted him about it he denied it but why would Brodie lie about it?

Angus told me that even though Vic is his Dad he doesn't particularly like how he was treated while we visited with him & his Uncle Bill. Vic spent more time talking to Brodie trying to be buddies with him. Angus said he felt left out. Not a very good thing to happen especially when you are meant to be mending a broken relationship.

At one stage Brodie wanted to punch Vic. Of course he didn't, I wouldn't let him .. he saved that for Mark instead. I'll fill you in on that story in another post. There was a lot of anger brewing in the background & I certainly felt a lot of stress from it. So much stress that my skin paid the price for it while we were away. Now that we have been back a week it is slowly settling down again.

We bought Vic a mobile phone so that the boys can keep in contact with him. Not a very expensive one but its prepaid so we wont have to worry about any phone bills. One of Vic's nieces or nephews can teach him how to put credit on. We're all on the same mobile network so the kids can use their free minutes to call him if they wish to. You should've seen Vic when we gave him the phone. He was like a little kid receiving a Christmas present. He was practically jumping for joy. I had to laugh though he said he would keep it a secret from his brother, Dave, but I don't think he will. He was so excited that he would tell anyone who would listen that he had a mobile phone.

At least the boys can call him now and speak with him if they wish. It's better than the system we were using before when we would try and catch his cousin at home who would then pass on a message to him that we had called. Vic would then phone to say he was at his cousins and then we would call him back.

While we were there Mark spent some time alone with Vic. Having a heart to heart chat. Dad to Dad. Whatever Mark said to Vic must have been good as Vic told me that he has a lot of time for Mark & that he is doing a good job with the boys. It feels kind of weird that my ex-hubby approves of my 'new' man. Not that I needed his approval.

Any way lets see how things go with their father now. I hope that their relationship can grow and become a bit stronger than it is right now.

Its Officially Winter But IT Was Fiery Here This Morning

Oh my goodness it was COLD this morning. A brisk 4 degrees celcius (about 39F) when I got up this morning. Thankfully it has warmed up a bit, its meant to be around 17C (62F) in town, but its still cold.

I had a bad morning with Brodie. He was being horrid to Angus as per usual. Opening the bedroom window so that poor Angus would freeze when he got out of bed. Playing the harmonica so that he would make sure Angus woke up (and possibly Mark too, thankfully he slept through it).

When I politely asked Brodie to leave the room he yelled at me saying that he had been out of the room for an hour and a half already (it was 7:30 am at the time) and said that he was entitled to be in there. Well yes he is entitled to be in there but so is his little brother and he shouldn't be made to feel bad to being in there. B eventually came out.

Of course Angus had left things to the last minute again and we barely made it out of the door by 8:10 to make it in time for Brodie's bus stop. Angus was eating his toast in the car to save time. Gosh I just had flashbacks from when both boys were in primary school and doing the exact same thing.

During out ride to the bus stop Brodie was load and obnoxious as per usual. He kept back answering anything Angus or I had said. I had been talking about how we were going to go to Adelaide to visit Poppa (my Dad) in a few weeks and that I will be writing a letter to their father to let him know if he wants to see them when we would be there.

Brodie got it into his head that I meant he would be going to stay at his fathers home, which is a further 4 hours drive from my Dad's. I hadn't said that he would but he got extremely aggressive and began swearing even more and stated that he would not be staying at his f@#$ing fathers house because he doesn't have any %^&@#@ good stuff here.

I then asked a simple question: Why do you always have to have the last word. To which of course Brodie yells at me and tells me to shut the F!@$ up jumps out of the car at the bus stop, slams the door and gives me the bird!

Oh yes what a delightful start to a Friday morning! It makes me wish that it was the beginning of next week as I am now dreading Brodie's behaviour over the weekend. Mark suggested I don't talk to Brodie. Like I can't talk to my own son. Although I am at the moment extremely tempted to let him find his own way back from the bus stop, which is 7.5 km (about 4.6 miles) from home!

Bribery No Longer Works

I need to find a NEW way to motivate Brodie. It seems that I have exhausted all of the usual bribery, oops I mean, positive & token reinforcements strategies that I normally use.

Let's see what things have we tried... oh yes, the points system (kind of like fly-buys where they can exchange points for money or things of value like PC time, PS2 time, etc), stickers (too old for that now), money (I guess I don't pay enough), extra special items like movies/tv shows he likes but has not seen yet. Gosh I can't think of anything else.

I am so tired of things not working. Or should I say I am so tired of Brodie NOT working. Either Angus or I end up doing the jobs that Brodie is supposed to do. I know I shouldn't complain. Its not like these jobs are overly tiresome and hard to do, its things like drying the dishes, clear the table for dinner etc. Its just that he seems to be winning the war and getting away with not doing them.

I know I shouldn't think like that and even the psychologist said that we shouldn't think of it as a win-lose situation. I am tired of the stress of it all. To be honest with all of the health problems I have right now (see my Scratch That Darn Itch blog for details if you're interested) I don't have the energy to fight back. There are times where I just do all the jobs to save arguing. This is of course what the psychologist suggested but how on earth is this teaching Brodie to become an independent and responsible member of the family? It's showing him that if he really wants to push the issue he will get out of doing the jobs he doesn't like.

I feel like giving up.

Pet Peeves

Oh I am having one of those afternoons/evenings where the little things that happen seem to be extra annoying! I don't think I have a lot of pet peeves but it certainly feels that way today.

I wash the dishes and the kids are meant to dry them, right? Not on your Nellie. At least not in this house! Oh don't get me wrong the boys are totally lazy. Angus did dry 'a few' earlier. The one thing I insist on is that any dishes in the drainer are to be dried and put away before I finish cooking tea or even before I begin preparing it. Not only did Brodie walk up to me in the kitchen while I was drying them he walked off and said nothing. Then wondered why I got annoyed with him!!

Well I am going to go with something that the psychologist said .. if the jobs don't get done they don't get paid! Then we will see how they feel when they want money and I don't hand ANY over!!

Will I Survive?

Here it is only the first day of the school holidays and I am jacked off already with the kids fighting. I swear I will become physically ill before these holidays are over!! I'm not a hundred percent at the moment as it is. Thank goodness for codeine tablets I think I can feel them beginning to work ... yay!! I might cruise through the afternoon at least until they wear off.

Oh and before I forget while Angus and I went shopping this morning the boys father phoned. I was only thinking the other day that it has been a few months sine they spoke to one another. Not that it worried me. Their father has come up with another *coughbullsh!tcough* story for the boys. He said that with this stimulus package money he'll be able to come on over and visit them. Yeah well we've heard all this before. I will only believe it when I see it. Personally I have visions of him be so drunk he wont even be able to stand up! Seriously he should stop getting the boys hopes up and letting them down. He probably wont get the money anyway.
To top it off Brodie said that he didn't want to talk to him anyway.

Emotional Turmoil

Golly I have knots in my belly and butterflies in my chest thinking about writing this next post. I guess it's because things have been so up and down this past couple of weeks. Especially the weekend before last, well the Saturday before Father's Day to be more specific. I was going to write all about this earlier but it was still feeling a little raw I guess you could say. I don't want to sound as though I am complaining but to be honest I am at my wits end with all of this.

I guess I should start at the beginning or as close to the beginning as I can recall at least. You see we're having heaps of problems with Brodie, our Aspie boy. He's larger than life now - he's 170 cm tall (5 foot 7 inches in the old scale) and weighs in at 100 kilos (around 15 and a half stones or 220 pounds) so he really isn't a small boy. Well a young man really as he is 15 already.
As I was saying we are having problems with him. They're ongoing ones and it seems that no matter what we do nothing seems to improve. Or if it does its such a small improvement that it may even go unnoticed.

We have the usual problems of back answering (what kid doesn't do that?), name calling and stand over tactics. He is taller than I am and much stronger too. He stands over me or Angus and dictates to us what we can and cannot do. He barks orders, thinking he is the head of the house and all, telling Angus what he can watch on tv as far as shows & movies go. He was dictating last Saturday when the shit hit the fan basically and got out of hand!

Mark has been sleeping in the lounge room for the last few months. He is unable to sleep in our bed as when I roll over it hurts his back and wakes him up. He has enough trouble when he rolls over himself as that too wakes him up with the pain.

Anyway Mark was jack of it all too. Sick of the constant bickering that goes on between the two boys. Mark got out of bed & got some cutters and cut the electrical cord on the tv. He had been meaning to replace it with an 'ordinary plug' because the one we had on it was from Germany or something like that as the tv is a blaupunkt (I think, European made at any rate) and it had an adaptor we needed to use in order to watch it.

Well the shit hit the fan didn't it. I fly out of bed to see what was going on. Trying to get Brodie to leave the house and go for a walk. He's standing there puffing his chest out say 'What are you going to do about it?" in reference to me telling him to go for a walk to cool off. He's constantly saying NO. He at least made it out the back door and I am still trying to get him to go for a walk and cool off. He wouldn't. He's mouthing off at me and daring me to make him go. I know I should've walked away but I didn't. I reached out to him and my hand caught the strap on his memory stick. He pulled away at the same time. The strap broke. Next thing I know is his arm is around my chest. I'm not too sure what happened after that as I don't remember; all I do remember is picking myself up off the floor. I have no recollection of being turned around as I was facing a different direction to the one I found myself facing when I finally stood up.

I worked out by this stage that Brodie wasn't home any more. He had taken off. Of course with his behaviour like this he could be a danger to himself and to others. We had no other choice but to phone the police. Something we hesitated to do every other time Brodie had become violent or aggressive. In fact two weeks before this happened he had punched Mark in the face. So as I said with regret the police were called. We were just following recommendations of friends and (former) case workers. The police ended up finding him but get this he was at the local police station waiting for them so that he could tell them what he had done. They sent him home after they had spoken with him. Not that this made a huge difference to his behaviour but he was a little quieter than usual after all of this happened.

There is much more that I could put here about the aftermath of this event but I feel that I have waffled on enough at this stage. I'm sure that there will be a chance in the future to revisit this again and reflect some more. Hindsight is a good thing I guess to help us learn from these types of events.

Potty Mouth

Oh man I am so annoyed with Brodie and his potty mouth. He was absolutely disgusting this morning. Angus slept on the couch last night and woke up with a sore neck this morning. Brodie in his 'wisdom' pulled Angus off the couch to which Angus started screaming/crying due to the pain. This was at about 8 am so Mark and I were still asleep but obviously not for long. We called Brodie to come into the bedroom so that we could talk with him. He came but not until we had called a few times. Angus followed so that he could tell us his version of the events, not that he needed to because we had heard all of it.

Any way, the boys were just standing in the bedroom doorway when Mark was trying to explpain to Brodie that what he had done was wrong and that he could've done more damage to Angus's neck. Well you should've heard the foul mouthed response from Brodie even before Mark had finished talking to him. Brodie started calling Mark an f***ing idiot and a w**ker. It was absolutely disgusting. Then when Mark jumped out of bed Brodie ran into his bedroom barricading the door shut so that no one could get in. Brodie still continued with his potty mouth using more swear words telling Mark how much of a f***ing hero he was. I could not believe my ears. I was totally disgusted with his behaviour and his mouth. How dare a 14 year old child treat an adult with no respect like this.

It was bad enough last night that he was having a go at out neighbour telling her (and some young girls visiting her) that they were sl**s. What on earth does this child think he is achieving by speaking like this? He spoiled Angus's Birthday by being this way. Not only this but on Thursday night he carried on the same way with me when all I did was mention that he had forgotten to take his morning dose of medications and that it was not a good idea that he skipped them. He was horrid. Swearing at me and running out the front door and slamming it. The glass by the door shook like crazy I thought it was going to break.

I am almost at my wits end with him. In fact I AM at my wits end. I don't know what to do with him. I am so disgusted with his behaviour. He can't even use the excuse of his new medication for these changes as he hadn't even begun taking them when all of this potty mouth and anger started. I truthfully felt like sending him away to live somewhere else but there is nowhere to sed him. No one would have him anyway. Gosh I feel so lost right now.

Brodie did manage to apologise earlier but he thinks that it will make everything better and that it's all over and done with but it isn't. I am just waiting here on egg shells for the next explosion and I don't know if I will be able to cope with it when it happens.

Stress Less?!?!

Golly I didn't realise that it has been so long since I have blogged anything. Guess there really wasn't anything much to say about what's been going on recently.

Let me see what has happened since I last blogged ... Mr Grumpy has had a few more temper tantrums. One that had me a little worried over the weekend. He threatened to run away but he didn't. In fact I went out to Food bank with the little dude like I always do and left the grumpy one home with Mark. By the time I got home things had settled down and were okay.

I had my eyes tested last week. The first time in about five years. My last optometrist said that I needn't get them checked unless I begin to get headaches or something. Well over the last few months I have noticed that it was getting harder to see the weather forecast on the TV but I didn't think much of it. I coped and I would get Mark or the boys to read it out to me rofl .. so I still got to find it out. Anyway my new optometrist said that I am a little bit short-sighted. (I never could understand the terminology ~ being unable to see things from a distance shouldn't be called short-sighted ~ oh well). Not enough to cause a problem but just enough to be noticeable. He said that I didn't need glasses but I can if I want to. He also said that it would make a big difference with say night driving. Well I hate driving at night at the best of times so this was a big factor in my decision to get glasses. Anything to help me with night time driving can't be a bad thing. He said I would only need to use them for the cinema, watching TV (if I want) and driving at night. I collect them sometime this week.
Other than that my eyes are really healthy! He even used some special camera to take a digital photo of the back of my eyes. It looked really neat to see the inside of my eyes. He said they looked great! They keep the digital image for when I come back next time so that they can make a comparison.
My optometrist also stated that I probably wont need to come back for at least 2 - 3 years. I can live with that!!

There really isn't much else to say about the past couple of weeks. Well apart from Mark saying he is concerned with my health. I dunno I feel just fine but he says I stress too much. Maybe I do worry a lot but that's just my nature. I know I need to calm down and stress less. I guess I am just a heart attack waiting to happen! Maybe I need to remember how to meditate and go to my happy place :-P

I got the Keys!!

Well that's it it's OFFICIAL!!!! I now have the keys to our NEW home! We drove into Morwell this morning to sign the paperwork and collect the keys! We had organised our appointment for this morning to meet with out Housing Manager, Victor (of all names he had to have was my ex-hubby!) at 10 am this morning. We arrived 10 minutes early only to find out that he wasn't in the office today! That was NOT a good sign considering we spoke on the phone yesterday and arranged this. There we were thinking OMGosh NO he's not there and we drove ALL this way for nothing. However it wasn't as bad as we initially thought. They organised for some other lady to do the paperwork with us which was lucky because I didn't fancy having to drive the 70 km's again to do all of this.

I still feel a little like a headless chook at the moment. It's almost like where do I start to get all of this done? When do we move stuff over to the new place? Do we leave the really important and valuable stuff until we're able to sleep there ourselves? How on earth are we going to get all of this packed and done before our Home Teachers from Church rock up on Saturday to help us? Do I really want to clean up this place it's such a pig sty at the moment?!?!

All I know for sure tight now is that I am so ready to move out of this caravan park! I don't want to spend anymore time here than I absolutely have to!

I Hate My GP

I've decided that I HATE my GP and I NEVER want to go back and see him. Only trouble is that there are NO other doctors that I know of who will bulk bill. I cannot afford the $30 - $40 to visit a doctor every time I need to go! It's NOT fair! I'm just so upset right now! Even the 20 - 25 minute drive home didn't help me cool off!

I suppose I had better explain what happened. My appointment was for 9:45 this morning and I arrived about 5 minutes early. Mark was meant to come along this time but he didn't. It hurt a little that he didn't but he did mention that some 'ME' time would be good especially since the big fella is home AGAIN because of ANOTHER suspension!! This time he is suspended for 10 DAYS!! I am so NOT impressed with that. What does the school think they are doing when they suspend him for so long? Do they honestly think that having this much time off school is beneficial to him??? Do they think that he understands what it means to be away from school for so long? Gosh I had better get off this school soap box or I'll forget what I was talking about in the first place.

Back to the part where Mark said that some 'ME' time would be a good thing. I could see his point. I could use some big fella free time. He is pretty demanding with our time when he is away from school. Not a constant demand but it's enough to stop you from being able to do what you want during the day. ( for example ~ organise Easter eggs etc). So I took the little dude off to school and drove straight into town for my appointment.
Well the doctor was LATE as usual. No apology for making me wait for 40 minutes! How rude is that? At least the paediatrician says sorry if he is running late! I thought it was just common courtesy!

So I am now in his pokey little room. He said how are you? Well der I am here to see you what do you think? I didn't say it out loud but I did think it! I have no idea why I felt so annoyed, well I wasn't really annoyed at that stage.. .. that comes later. He tells me that the pap smear was normal okay so that's a good thing. ALL that worry I've been doing over that was for naught. So I though okay I'll do the right thing and tell him about my arm and how it has been sore for the last two weeks. He looks at it. Presses on my arm and makes me try to lift my hand. It hurt a little but not much. Then he holds my arm differently and makes me try move it in a different direction. That hurt for sure. Then he said oh its just tendonitis .. Tennis elbow! Well that explains a lot!! (like the sarcasm???) He then said take some nurofen it will help! Sheesh! What a nice sympathetic doctor I have!!

I also told him about the extra stress I have been under due to the big fella's suspension and having him home again. How he has spent more time at home this school term than he has at school. I told him how I worry so much since he is getting such a big boy that with this aggression he has that he might punch someone out and send them flying across the room and perhaps that someone may be me. I told him I worry about anything and everything. I worry about everyone else except me .. well mostly. My GP didn't say much. he nodded his head.

Then my GP makes some comment about a care plan. Didn't say what it was for but that we needed to do one. He doesn't say much just sits at his computer clicking on all these buttons. Says something like you lost any weight? NO was my reply but I wouldn't have a clue if I have or not I don't get on the scales at home or anywhere else for that matter! He took my blood pressure which was in my belief LOW 107/78 either the reading was wrong or its just extra low. Never had a reading that low before but it may explain why I get dizzy of late. Not that I told the GP. He doesn't need to know everything!!

Where was I? .. oh yes the stupid care plan that he was organising. He said you been to counselling .. UM NOT for years I said. He says nothing to that. Then he said you walk? Not really I replied. He said you must walk. Hmmm ok maybe ... He asks you eat healthy? I said YES of course I do .. how can you not when you are on such a strict budget that it doesn't allow for buying chips, chocolate, biscuits, etc. I explained to the GP that the boys get ticked off that I no longer buy them all this junk food for them to eat. I don't cook in fat or lard. We dry fry and use the health grill, we eat loads of fresh stuff when we can get it. He said your last cholesterol .. was that good?? YES I said!!! I even told him I quit smoking but do you think he said way to go or anything. NO he said nothing. You'd think he would've at least say that's wonderful or something! Gosh I could use a cigarette right now!! But I wont go smoke or anything!

Any way he prints this stupid care plan. Hands it to me and says hang on to that! Well hello what is it for??? What am I meant to do with it? I was so ticked off when I got home I showed Mark and then screwed it up and threw it in the bin.
Oh I know you're probably thinking what was the problem with that? That wasn't so bad. But you had to be there. For your Doctor to not show any proper concern or care just isn't right. Am I just another number to him?? Just another name on the computer screen?? Am I just being silly?? I no longer know what to think. With everything that has been happening I just don't know anymore.

Stuff .. .. ..

Oh man I have such a hard time trying to get things straight in my head right now. I can think it but I can't seem to be able to express it verbally.

Why do I find the weekends the most difficult time of the week??? Sometimes I just HATE it so much. I feel more stressed now than I do during the week. Why should the weekend be any different for the boys either? They seem to be at each other more and more. The insults, the arguing and just the general way they talk with each other drives me insane. Let alone the way that the big fella talks to me. All I can think is if I had spoken that to Mum or Dad I would've copped a huge hiding and I would've been sent to my room. However I don't recall ever being disrespectful to my parents. That's not to say I wasn't I just don't remember if I did or not.

I'm still having problems with the way I am thinking. Although I do feel a bit better than I did the other day or should I say last weekend. I think I need to revisit my affirmations and remember that there are good things. I'm having such a hard time with this.

Just before dinner Mark and I were talking about church and how relevant the talks during Sacrament were. In fact the talks were about prayer and Mark was only talking with me about it the other day. I am NOT good at saying them at all, especially out loud. I can't even seem to be able to say one before we eat dinner, not that we do that regularly anyway. I've even forgotten the one that Diva sent to me .. see I can't even get that right, I accidentally deleted the email!! Mark believes that I should say them so I can set an example for the boys but I feel that I am unable to do that yet. I know this is a cop out but he can do that for me right now.

I'm going to try and get the boys ready for bed and to get them to prepare their lunches for school tomorrow. I'm so glad that the big fella will be back at school tomorrow. It's been awfully difficult having him home for most of the week. Well maybe not difficult just different. I truly hope that he behaves this week. I don't know what I'll do if I get another phone call saying that I need to collect him because he has misbehaved again. Perhaps I shouldn't think like this but I still dread it when the phone rings during the day.

I have so much more I could write about but I don't think I am ready to put it into words just yet. I'll see how I go later .. ..

What a busy afternoon!!

Once we got our act together and got moving we were flat out all afternoon. The big fella had his paediatrician appointment this afternoon. Which we just managed to get there in time because we called into the supermarket first. I just had to get the new Harry Potter DVD, The Goblet of Fire, as it was finally released here today.

Anyway back to the big fella's appointment. The Doctor was running about 30 minutes late. He apologized for making us wait. We found out that the big fella now needs to take a 200 mg tablet of epilim instead of the 2 x 100 mg tablets. That will make it easier for him rather than the two tablets. Mark also asked that if the big fella does happen to have another seizure does he need to go to hospital or not (not his exact words but the meaning is the same) The answer is no we don't need to take him unless he really hurt himself but we do need to contact his paediatrician if he does have another one so that his medication can be adjusted. So it's all good really. He does need to have a blood test to check his liver function and for the levels of epilim in his system but that isn't for about another 6 weeks.

Since we were late getting into seeing the Dr. we were late in picking up the little dude. Of course I panicked (like I always do) I truly hate being late when it comes to collecting the boys from school or the bus stop. I was constantly checking the time on my watch thinking how upset he must be having to wait for me by the gate. In fact Mark said that it wont hurt him. So I thought about it for a bit. I think in all the time that they boys have been at school I think I have only been late to collect them 4 or 5 times. So one day wont hurt. I still don't like being late though. It's not like it was our fault though it is a 15-20 minute drive down the freeway from the clinic, which is near the hospital, to the primary school.

After we collected the little dude we had to go back into town to drop off the big fellas new prescription, go back to the town where the hospital is to go to Medicare to get some of my money back for the doctors visit. I wish he would bulk bill us having to find $73 per visit really puts a strain on our budget which is really tight as it is. ( I know what you are thinking Mark, you wanted me to ask him to bulk bill us but you know me I don't ask for help and I don't ask for things like that ~ I'm sorry I didn't, you were right). Then it was back to pick up the big fellas meds and off home.

I was totally pooped by the time we got home. Even though I didn't really feel like I did much. In fact I was pooped before we got home and Mark ended up driving the rest of the way for us. I'm so glad that he did.
I do know one thing though Mark seems to be extra concerned for me lately. I don't know why I feel the same as I usually do. Mark says I seem extra tense and on a shorter fuse than normal. I feel the same. I dunno. I know he is right though I do worry about EVERYTHING! I know I shouldn't but I do. I can't help it! I know my GP was worried yesterday about my blood pressure (it was 110/98 ~ not my worst BP reading in fact the top number was the best I had seen it in ages!!) so this extra worry I have wont help that but honestly how can you 'calm' yourself down and not stress about something?

I guess I shall have to work on reducing my stress levels. I'm not sure how I can do that but there has to be a way to do it. Oh how weird .. I just typed this and there was something on tv about a news item for tomorrow night's news that will be dealing with how to reduce your stress. I guess I had better watch it then.

I think I'll go make a nice cuppa. Perhaps a chamomile tea .. that's supposed to be soothing & calming isn't it??

I went into town this morning

I went to see my GP today. Gosh I hated going to see him this time. Mark wasn't able to come along like I had hoped because he wasn't feeling well but that's okay I managed to get everything done that I needed to. Even 'talking' with my doctor.
My main reason for going was that dreaded test us women ALL seem to HATE! It was pap smear time. My goodness I have always hated going for those but I have always done the right thing and made the appointment (eventually :-P) and had the test done. I always worry what the results will be and I hate the two week wait for them. The reason why I hate it is that we have a family history of getting back results that have the doctors telling us we have abnormal cells.
Twice before I have been told this by my doctors. Once before the big fella was born and the other was about 5 years ago. The first time I had to have diathermy (better health.vic.gov.au) which is a heat generating instrument which is used to destroy abnormal cells. It was done under a general anaesthetic thankfully but I remember feeling rather uncomfortable for a few days afterwards. The second time I was just asked to come back in 6 months for another test. Thankfully the results came back normal that time, much to my relief. Also one of my sisters has had abnormal results too. So you can see why I really don't want to go and why I worry about the results.
I also managed to talk to my doctor about my emotional rollercoater ride of the past month. I also told him about how stressful things have been at home with the boys, how the big fella ended up in hospital the other week and has now been diagnosed with epilepsy. You know, it's no wonder I have been so up and down lately. Anyway, I was told that I was no longer allowed to have any depo-provera (depo-provera.drugs.com) shots because that has probably affected my depression & the doctor doesn't want to make it worse. He wont let me go on the pill, he said I am too old. Well he didn't use those words but he may as well have, he sure implied it. It means the same thing regardless of what he said!!

After visiting my GP I did some shopping. Only for groceries. Not for fun! Although maybe one day I'll be able to go shopping for fun. There's a few things I would like to get myself but I always seem to put everything off and get stuff for everyone else. I know that one day I would like to fix my necklace. I haven't worn it for such a long time. The catch has hair caught all through it and it's a bit loose. Maybe one day I'll get it repaired although I have no idea when that will be.

Oh I've lost my train of thought. Not that it matters really. I seem to be doing that quite often lately then I remember it later, well most times anyway.

I think I'll just get off this thing and go have a cuppa. I need it!