I Need To Vent

It's still early morning and there has already been a HUGE fight in out home today. What a lovely way to start a new week. All because I asked the boys if they wanted to go to Church today. That was my first mistake. I knew Angus wouldn't go. He never goes any more. Brodie would go sometimes but said no for today because he has no clean clothes. Okay that's a reasonable excuse to not go I suppose. Not that anyone really cares about what you truly wear just as long as you look respectable and you turn up. 

The second mistake was after having my shower I asked the boys to do a couple of things. I had asked Angus to find all the coat hangers that are lying about in his bedroom. Yep no problem with that request. The problem really was the next couple of statements: Brodie next time we go to the shops you can go in and get the stuff that I want. That way I wont spend too much money. I get an mumble from Brodz. Then I said that since you two aren't going to Church I'll get you to work. 

What I said seemed innocent enough. There were no huge demands on what the boys were to do. It's not like it was a physically taxing job. I was only going to make sure that they did their usual jobs (when I wanted them to not when they wanted to do them) things like doing a little tidying up, drying the dishes, that sort of thing. The thing that really topped it off was asking Brodie to unplug his laptop charger to which he replies: I am not your f*****g slave.

You would have thought from the carry on from Brodie it was like I was asking for his first born child or for a pound of his flesh or something. My gosh no one messes with HIS laptop and HIS Facebook time! He exploded. His voice got louder and louder. Started doing that threatening stance he does. Tells me to act my age and grow up. Meanwhile, he wakes Mark up (he's only managed an hour or two of sleep at this stage) with his yelling. I'm trying to tell Brodie to pick up his laptop and go to his room. That I don't want him down this end of the house while he is like this. Basically I wanted him to go into his room to calm down. Of course he is refusing. I let him know he has two options - take the laptop to your room or go outside. Me personally, I would've just picked up the laptop and disappeared. 

Brodie is still refusing to budge either way. Screaming at me that he would love to fill up a pillowcase and bash me with it. By now Mark has come out of the bedroom. Somehow we both convince Brodie to pick up his laptop and go to the bedroom. Brodie is still saying how he wants to hurt me but that he is really controlling himself right now. He knows if he does hurt me or anyone else in our family for that matter that it will not be tolerated and that he will be removed from out home. I think he is too scared to try it even though he threatens to hurt us almost on a daily basis. I am so tired of it.

Oh and the last thing Brodie says before he goes into the bedroom. He said it to Mark but he was looking at me. Learn to control her! I didn't see Mark's face because he was standing in front of me so I can only imagine the look on his face but he was NOT impressed and told Brodie that he has had enough. He wants Brodie to move out. I don't blame him. We have all had enough of these explosions and how Brodie tries to intimidate us. Right now I don't care that Brodie currently has nowhere to go. It's not my problem. Enough is enough.

Here we go he's just come out of the bedroom begging me not to kick him out. That he has nowhere to go. Tells me if you kick me out your money will go down. I know it will but so will my rent, the electricity bill and the food bill will be less also. He then goes on about how will he get his stuff out? I have no money to pay for rent. He does have money. Brodie applied for a pensioner advance from Centrelink last week. The money is sitting in my bank account waiting for him to decide what he wants to spend it on. I told him I can transfer it to his bank for him to pay for rent somewhere. To which he replies no that is for me to buy a tablet with. I told him that it can be used for other things instead. 

Basically Brodie is scared of moving out. I know it and he knows it. He just has to learn to deal with it. We all move out of home sooner or later. It is scary for all of us being on our own for the first time. 

Right now I am fed up and feeling rather blah about things. I just wanted a nice Sunday. A day with some quiet time. A day where I could catch up with some Church friends. Maybe play some games, crochet or read. I just wanted to focus on wedding things and spend some time with the family. I may still be able to do some of those things but my heart wont quite be in it.

Blown Out Of Proportion

I finally get Mark to join us at the dinner table for a meal. The first time this week since Tuesday evening. Brodie is talking loudly as per usual and Mark asks him very politely to speak softer. He had only just woken up and wasn't feeling the best. Brodie takes goes off his nut and think he is being told off or that Mark has had a go at him. He gets louder and angry then storms off to his room. Leaving his dinner on the table (it's still there I don't feel like moving it).

I'm just sitting here thinking why on earth did this happen again? Why does Brodie go off at the smallest of things? What did I do to deserve this? Thank goodness Angus is at a friends place and didn't get to see yet another one of his brothers little explosion. Enough is enough. I don't know what to do.

Both Mark and I feel that Brodie just wont own up and take responsibility for his actions. He blames everyone else for the things that happen to him. He doesn't see (or doesn't want to see) that it is his choices that will either make something go well for him or turn badly.

The way he speaks to Mark and I is very disrespectful at times. Sometimes he is extremely rude and even crude with how behaves. I think he forgets that we are his parents and not his "mates" even though we remind him a lot.

I can see how this affects Mark. It makes him feel horrid to the point of feeling physically sick. I fell at a loss. Torn between Mark and Brodie. I don't like how Brodie's behaviour affects everyone in our home.
Sometimes I just wish that he lived elsewhere. I know having him move out of home would only change the geography it wont solve the problem. It's getting to that point where I will kick him out if I have to.

Having a child with Asperger's Symdrome and a partner who has Borderline Personality Disorder can sure be tough. It certainly makes for a very interesting home life.

That Aspie Kid Is So Annoying

That darned kid will drive me insane .. oh wait I'm already there! 

Brodie is refusing to go to the GETT Centre (GippsTAFE Employment and Transitional Training Centre) to do his Transition Course. He's only meant to be there for two and a half days a week.

Brodie says that he hates two of the teachers there. I told him to eat some concrete, toughen up and just deal with it. That there will be people that we come across in our lives that we wont like and we just have to get along. He doesn't care. He is still refusing to go. We have had many disagreements over this.

What can I do? Brodie is an adult now. I can't force him onto the train. He's not that little kid any more that I can carry to the car and take to school. He's much bigger than me I would never be able to make him move. I have told him that he MUST be at TAFE OR have a job OR he can leave home. I don't want him sitting here 24/7 on the laptop getting up at odd times of the day to talk to his online friends. I don't want him getting under my feet all the time.
The more time Brodie spends at home the more arguments we seem to have. When he is home he doesn't do any thing. He wont help out about the place. When he does finally help out its only because I have nagged him. Then of course MORE arguments start. He has such a potty mouth it is disgusting the way he talks to me, to anyone at home really. He seems to have no respect. Brodie says that he doesn't even realise that he has been swearing. Its second nature to him to drop the 'f' bomb and he thinks its okay to speak like this.

On Saturday night he and Mark had a HUGE fight. All over something as simple as a network cable (for those of you who don't know what that is its to plug into the computer so that you can join it our home network - that's all of our computers connected together so we can share files etc) The threats of physical violence and all the shouting was horrid. Brodie is such a bully. It's really an abusive situation at times. Although Brodie has threatened to hurt us he hasn't (at least not for a very long time). He has been told in no uncertain terms that if he does I don't care what time of day or night it is he is out on his ear immediately. That he will no longer be welcome to live here. Perhaps he is too scared that I will follow through with that threat.

At one stage Brodie was screaming and swearing so much that I told him I hope he loses his voice. He told me later that his throat hurt. Serves him right really I have no sympathy on that front.

We (Mark & I) did however manage to sit down and talk calmly with Brodie later that night. Things really aren't resolved. Brodie is still refusing to go to TAFE. He's gone out at the moment. He wants to visit his old high school and the pub where he did his work placement last year. A day out will not solve his problems.

I am really at a loss as to what to do with him right now & I don't know where to turn to for help. It's not like Brodie is a 'regular' kid who thinks clearly and is able to cope with the 'real' world. He's cutting himself off from everything. The volunteer job he had with Interchange has fallen by the wayside.He hasn't been to one of their day events or weekends away for a few months. He's also quit his other volunteer job with the shire because he didn't like someone who volunteered there.

Gosh I just have no idea what to do right now. All this stress is just not on. It's no wonder I want comfort food lately. A HUGE block of chocolate would be nice about now. Too had I don't have any.

Meltdown Mondays

I don't know what it is about Monday mornings but for the past two weeks Brodie seems to have meltdowns soon after arriving at TAFE. Last week there was an argument and he stormed off home. Today he had another meltdown/argument and this time was sent home.

At least his being sent home wasn't like a suspension from school (thank goodness). I spoke with Natasha (she's like the co-ordinator) about what happened and why Brodie was sent home. She said that he should come back in tomorrow for his usual classes. Natasha was hoping that I would have some ideas for her on how to diffuse situations like that. I recommended that she phone Brodie's High School to talk with Miss G. who was brilliant in helping Brodie calm down and settle.

I explained to Natasha that TAFE is so different from H.S. That Brodie has too much freedom there and he doesn't know what to do with himself and how to cope with it all. I also mentioned that when he wanted to disappear from school he was unable to. There was no way down the mountain. No bus or train for him to catch. He had no where to run. With TAFE it is the total opposite. He has that freedom to disappear and he knows its just a train ride home.

I have a meeting with Natasha Friday afternoon after the Ambassador Program. Hopefully we can come up with some strategies to help Brodie & the staff work through things.

I'm wondering if something happens on the train on the way to TAFE that gets him worked up. I know nothing happened at home this morning. I drove him to the train station because it was raining and he seemed in good spirits.

For now I am trying to convince Brodie that it's okay to go back there tomorrow. Maybe making it sound all good and exciting might encourage him to go. Perhaps a reminder that one of the classes is to help him get his drivers license. Hopefully that is enough incentive.

Temperatures Are Rising

With the temperature rising to the mid 30's (mid- high 90's) today so has our tempers. The boys have been nit-picking & annoying one another for weeks. I am tired of the way that talk to each other and the way they (mainly Brodie) talk to me. The raised voices, the swearing and just being plain old rude.

I don't think that the word RESPECT is in their vocabulary. Well maybe it is but they have certainly forgotten what it means. Perhaps its because they are on school holidays that they think they don't need to mind their P's and Q's and behave. I think it's time to slap them with a wet fish and knock some sense into them. If they aren't careful that wet fish might come in the form of a can of tuna!!

On a brighter note. The Australian Open started today. You know what that means don't you? Two weeks of not much on TV and lots of tennis! There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. It means that we are that much closer to the school holidays being over. We're half way through the Summer break. Thank goodness. I know I said I was looking forward to the sleeping in but I would gladly give that up for some peace and quiet.

For now the boys have been separated. One at each end of the house. Let's hope that this makes a difference. At least for tonight. I'll worry about the rest tomorrow.

Another Meltdown

We've had yet another explosion tonight. We had one yesterday too at least I think it was yesterday. Sometimes the days blend into one another and I can no longer tell.

It doesn't take much for an explosion to occur. Take tonight's one for example. Mark, Angus & I were at the dinner table. Brodie had decided that he wasn't eating tonight. No surprise there he did eat a big lunch when we were out today. So we left him in his bedroom, which is at the other end of the house, so that he could continue chatting on Facebook. While we were eating we could hear Brodie talking. We thought he was on skype. He kept getting louder & louder. We could even hear him over the television and that was turned up because its on one of the high definition channels and for some reason the sound is softer on those HD channels.

Mark went down to the bedroom to ask Brodie to lower his voice because we could hear him over the television. If we could hear him sure as eggs the neighbours could too. But NO instead of Brodie lowering his voice he starts getting louder and angry. He begins swearing like a trooper. So Mark gets annoyed and raises his voice too. Brodie gets even louder and swears every other word. That "F"-bomb was dropped so much I lost count!

All of this because we wanted Brodie to not be so loud when he was talking. Is that too hard a thing for him to do? He went off saying Mark was picking on him. That Mark started it. How can it go from a simple request of please speak quietly to a full blown swearing tantrum in a matter of seconds? I don't get it. I honestly don't.

My day went from being pretty good, although I was sad that Angus didn't end up coming shopping with me & Brodie came instead, to where I now feel like I want to cry. Poor Angus doesn't know what to do when this type of thing happens. I feel just as bad as he does at times.

Brodie was meant to go on an Interchange ROADIES activity tomorrow but he cancelled it. It was going to be our respite break. I wish he hadn't phoned up and cancelled now. He only gets to go on two more after this one. These activities are only for those under 18. He's 18 in July. Then there are no fun activities for him. I don't know what we will do then.

All I know for now is that I feel bad and I don't want to feel that way. I just want a normal life. Not that there really is anything that is normal. Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. I think I will just go snuggle on the couch with Angus to watch Doctor Who & finish sewing up the fingerless gloves I made. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

What A Morning & Its Only Early

Oh gosh! I don't want to go anywhere else today until later this afternoon!!!

I had the usual Wednesday school run which consists of dropping Angus off to school then taking Brodie to TAFE (Technical And Further Education) in the next town over from us! Thank goodness the town is only 10 minutes down the road is all I can say.

They are doing road-works in the next town. Putting traffic lights in near the railway crossing. They have been working on it for weeks. I don't know why they didn't work on it over the Christmas/Summer school holidays when there would have been less traffic on the road. Whoever schedules that sort of thing obviously didn't think of that. So travelling to and from TAFE takes a lot longer than usual especially with the morning 'peak hour' traffic. It took almost 5 minutes to cross one of the intersections.

I had just gotten home (around 9am) and started preparing my breakfast when I got a phone call from Brodie. "Mum come and get me I want to come home!" of course I didn't rush to get him but told him I would be there within half an hour after I had my breakfast. I have learnt over the years that its good to let him wait a little. Brodie used to have this horrible habit of wanting things done immediately. I'm not sure if that was an Aspergers thing, a kid thing or maybe just a mixture of both.

So there I was heading back into the next town. Travelling just over a snails pace through the road-works (I will be glad when that is finished!) I met up with Brodie at a nearby car park and we had a bit of a chat. I wanted to find out what was going on and if I could convince him to go back to TAFE for the day. He was adamant that he wanted to go home. While we were talking he received a few text messages from his Integration Aide. He had received a few text messages from his Aide so we met up with her to talk about what had happened.

Brodie hasn't been in a good mood for a few days but it kind of escalated a bit yesterday when his best friend from school blamed him for making her feel miserable. She said that it was his fault that she often went from a good mood to a bad one. (Teenagers! They will be the death of me!) so of course this really affected Brodie. He is super sensitive at the best of times but for his bestie to have said that really cut him. He was not in the best frame of mind this morning. So when he got to TAFE the teacher had told him to sit down with the rest of the class or leave. (BIG mistake! Never EVER give an aspie that option. Not EVER! Not if you actually want them to stay) So of course Brodie said "I'm leaving!"

Brodie's aide and I convinced him to at least have a chat with the teacher. We all explained to him (the teacher included) that there will be times when people will say stuff that he wont like. That he needs to tough it out and get on with it. We also reminded him that he is almost 18 now (gosh I hate the thought of that) but as an adult there will be many things he will have to just deal with, suck it up and do it. We all have days like that.

Thankfully he went back into class. I think the fact that this afternoon they are doing more hands on stuff making and learning about coffee. So my young man is practising his barista skills. He liked the idea that he may even get to drink some coffee. Not that he should but its his choice and he is the one who needs to deal with that decision. I also gave him some money (and a docket for Subway for a free 6 in sub) so he can at least get some lunch today. The silly duffer spent nearly all of his allowance already.

What a morning! I need a break but I still have housework to do :(
Like I said earlier. I don't want to go anywhere else until later today when I have to!

Feeling Lost

*SIGH* I am so tired of the yelling & swearing. When will the child learn that we are not his enemy, his underlings or something he can wipe his feet on?

He thinks we are picking on him and starting the arguments. It truly doesn't take much to set him off these days. I don't know what to do any more. Every strategy we have ever tried is no longer seems to be working. I don't know whether it is his Aspergers or the fact that he is being a teenage dirtbag!!

Do you know what set him off this morning? Angus mentioned Brodie's guitar. It was in the boot and Angus wanted it moved over so that he could fit his school bag & laptop in there. Brodie started swearing at him.

I mentioned to Brodie that he doesn't study music at school any more. He went off at me. He had dropped the subject last year because there was a possibility that there would be NO music teacher at the school this year. There is one but he no longer has music as a subject at school. Brodie had been asked to play in the school band so he wants to practise at school but he still has no formal lessons. He didn't care. He just saw my statement as 'starting' on him.

I should have just shut my mouth. He starts swearing and raising his voice. All while I am driving to the bus stop. He sits right behind me when I drive so I have no idea if he is going to grab me or not. He has done it before.

He starts saying all these mean and hurtful things. How he wishes Mark was no longer around. How he wants to leave home only he has no where to go, that's what he has said for the past few days. We've had this conversation before about his leaving. I told him he could go but he needs to learn life skills in order to survive. To cook, to clean, do shopping, fill out forms, pay bills/rent etc
Brodie thinks moving out will fix his problems. Its only changing the geography, the problems are still there.

Right now he sees us as the enemy and wishes us gone from his life. He has respite this weekend and is probably pissed off with me for letting him go. Its my birthday tomorrow, not that I wanted to advertise it or anything, but I feel that I need him to have a break from home at this moment in time. We need a break from each other. He probably sees this as me alienating him, not wanting him, not loving him.

I take the respite whenever I can get it. We had none over the Summer holidays and now that school is back we only have respite once a month. I don't decide on the dates. Interchange does. They are the providers. There is only one drawback with this. He is only eligible to participate until he turns 18. It's his birthday in July. Then what will we do? If he has his way he will be long gone by then.

I just feel so lost right now. Now where is that darned box of tissues....

I Want To Restart The Day

Do you know those days where you wish you could stay in bed? The ones where they didn't start right and you would like to do it over? Well I think today was the beginning of one of THOSE days.

I got woken up before 7am to this BIG BOOMING voice swearing... "SHUT THE F*** UP!" I immediately woke up. It was Brodie. He was at it again. I hadn't heard all of the conversation because I was woken up so suddenly& had obviously missed it. He was going off at Mark again. All because Mark made a very simple statement/request: Whoever went to the toilet last make sure you flush it next time.
It might not have been those exact words but that was the gist of it. I was half asleep.

Of course with Brodie swearing things started to escalate (like they often do once Brodie starts yelling & swearing). Mark goes to his shed - its HIS space to go cool off. Its like Brodie's space in the bedroom when he closes the curtains around his bed. Except Mark wasn't able to go there in peace. He had slammed the sliding door shut & Brodie comes rushing out of his room hurling MORE abuse. Things get said that probably shouldn't get said. More swear words are thrown about. All the while I am trying to get Brodie to settle down & Mark too. If only Brodie didn't follow Mark things might have settled down a lot faster. You don't follow someone hurling abuse at them!! It's what Mark's ex the "DRAGON" did when she was hurling abuse at him [please don't think me mean for calling his ex Dragon, that was her nickname given to her by her family & if you knew her the reasons would be obvious].

Poor Angus was woken up by this as well. He's devastated that there is yet another fight at home. He goes into the lounge room where its dark and quiet. He's crying. I mean full on crying. It breaks my heart to see him this way. He doesn't want Mark to leave. He loves him to pieces, so do I. He's the only Dad Angus has really known especially since he doesn't remember his father that much.
Angus is worried that if Mark leaves and Brodie goes off again that he might get me in a headlock like he did once before. He doesn't want to see anyone hurt. He said Mum I wont know what to do if Brodie does that. I hug Angus. I mean what else is there to do other than hug him and tell him things will be okay.

Brodie finally settled. Angus stopped crying. Mark is in his shed asleep. The boys are now both at school. Me, well I'm okay but wishing that I could start the day again without any of this.

I am not blaming anyone for this episode. We all have days like this to varying degrees. Well I would like to think so or maybe it is just us families who have a child on the Autism spectrum. I know my family isn't "normal" that is only a cycle for a washing machine. My family is special & that means we wont be perfect. I don't expect us to be either. I do expect more from Brodie though, he has been taught to be better than this. I know he can do better, he has before.
All of this because Brodie was asked to flush a toilet.

The Storm

You can never say life is boring in my house. Your hair would curl if I put everything into a post. Although some days are much better than others. The rest are the kinds of days that you wish you never got out of bed for because it would be easier to sleep the day away. Those are the days that you need to ESCAPE from all sorts of things.

Last night turned into one of those days. I thought it would be nice to have a nice supper, being New Years Eve and all, with lots of yummy food to eat. We had 4 different types of cheeses to taste, dips with celery & carrot sticks, kabana, cocktail franks, crackers and chips. I thought we could sit down to watch a movie together. You know something normal families do. I forgot though, my family is NOT normal! I had completely forgotten that normal was only a cycle on the washing machine. What was I thinking?

You see sometimes my boys are wishy-washy when it comes to some things. Angus was, oh I don't know I can't find the right words to describe it, being overly careful when cutting the cheese and wanted me to do it for him. Mark told him to grow some balls and do it himself. he really meant grow up and do it yourself. You can't have Mum do it for you all the time. Well Brodie didn't like it. That's when it started. The SHIT hit the fan! My goodness the yelling, the swearing, the carry on, the tears.

I'm trying to settle things down asking Brodie to leave the room and calm down. To go to his room and cool off. But NO! He was refusing to listen. More things were said. I don't remember them all but there were probably lots of things that shouldn't have been spoken. Poor Angus is looking at me with pleading eyes. Eyes that were saying I started this didn't I?

Eventually Brodie went to his room. Mark went into his shed. Angus & I were left in the lounge room. What were we meant to do now? Mark says he's leaving. Brodie said he's worthless. Angus & I are crying but for different reasons.

Brodie eventually came out to talk with me. Angus went to talk to Mark. Brodie wanted to apologise but didn't know if he would be believed. I told him that he is good with words if he writes them down. So he went and wrote an email to Mark.

Things are much better today. The storm hit, we survived. We live in the calm before the next tempest! Looking back at things, hindsight is a wonderful thing. There were signs there that stated a blow up might occur. Words could've been chosen more carefully (but who does that in the heat of the moment). I shouldn't have insisted that we all sit in the lounge room. I could've made it more casual.

I mean let's face it Brodie has Aspergers (and Mark has Borderline). I forget that sometimes. Brodie likes routine and its predictability. I changed that routine. Now I am not saying that I am totally to blame. Brodie needs to learn to control his temper and to listen. But as I said hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Any way, it was not the best way to end an old year and start a new one. Let's hope that this new year has a better forecast than yesterdays storm.

Mini Meltdowns

I am so tired of the meltdowns that Brodie makes us suffer through. The swearing. The threats of violence. The way he tried to intimidate us. It gets so old FAST!
I know he is my son and I am supposed to be there for him but I am getting so tired of it all. Its getting to the point where I will kick him out of home. I need to protect Angus. He's just as important.

We no longer have any respite offered from the Shire. They wont supply a carer for him unless it is a male and there isn't one available. We haven't had a weekly carer for him since September. Interchange doesn't operate over the school holidays so we have nothing organised with them until February (after school goes back). Lincoln St only offers us time when its a Youth weekend.
I am desperate for break from him. We all are. The only problem is it's NOT going to happen any time soon.

He wont even go to Church. At least at Church we have our own little groups to go to and we get a break that way. I can't go on my own and leave him here with Mark & Angus. I hate to say it but I don't always trust him to behave while I am gone. If I could just get him to go there at least once it would be a welcomed break but he wont leave that blasted Facebook for too long.

I am no longer scared of what Brodie will do to me. I feel awful for Angus because he is often the brunt of Brodies anger. I know Mark can take care of himself but I worry about what Brodie will do if he did get physical with him. Tonight he was threatening to put Mark into a wheelchair, permanently. Those were the words he used. More than once. I would have no other choice but to phone the police if Brodie did anything like that. There is no other choice. Is there?

I mean think about it. This is a form of domestic violence, right? The definition of Domestic Violence (DV), according to the Domestic Violence Crisis Service is as follows:

• Domestic Violence occurs when a family member uses violent and/or abusive behaviour to control another family member or members.

That is certainly what happens here, sometimes on a daily basis, even though I don't always like to admit it. Does it count as DV even though Brodie has Aspergers?

I am just tired of the explosions. Tired of the threats, the swearing & the carry on that goes with it. Let's face it I'm just tired. If I feel this way I am sure that Mark & Angus feel the same way too. But what do we do about it? No one seems to be around to give us a hand any more. There is no one else who can help.

After tonight's meltdown things have calmed down a bit. Now we play the waiting game. We wait for the next explosion .. .. ..

One Of THOSE Mornings

We had another one of THOSE starts to the day. You know the type. The ones where the boys have a disagreement. Well maybe not both boys but one in particular does. The kid with the potty mouth, the LOUD mouth, the kid who tells people where to go, the kid who is talking online with a girl who decides to join him with the verbal the abuse towards the little brother.

Yes it was one of THOSE mornings!

I hate mornings like this. I had to intervene because that is what you do. Its what I do. Only if you do say something you cop the "F" work in 50 million different sentences (okay so I exaggerated but it felt like that many & I am certain that he would've make a trooper blush!). I've had enough of these starts to the day. Enough to last a lifetime or two. I told Mr Potty mouth to leave. So he did. He packed his school gear, took his meds and went outside. I assumed he began walking to the bus stop. I wasn't going to chase him as that only makes matters worse. I was going to leave home at the usual time and pick him up on the way.

However he had different ideas. Mr Potty mouth went to the house of one of the kids from his school and got a lift with them to the bus stop. The reason I know this is he was at least kind enough to send me a text message letting me know he's got a ride. I replied to him wishing him the best for today's Music exam.

Poor Angus asked me afterwards, once Brodie had left, if it was his fault that this tantrum/explosion happened. It certainly wasn't. He had hardly uttered a word at all before Brodie blew his stack. I feel so bad that Angus even thought that it was his fault.

Now I am left wondering if this is one of the reactions Brodie has in order to handle the stress of exams. He's not one of those types of kids who reacts well to exams, not that many kids enjoy them they just cope better than my aspie. It just makes me think that it's his way of coping when the day is an unknown. Brodie was never one of those kids who coped at all during the end of the school year & he's the same way at the beginning of a new school year too. I am not making excuses for him but maybe it is his way of trying to get things under control. After all he knows how we will react if he blows his stack. Who knows?

Brodie only has one more exam and that's tomorrow. I'm just crossing my fingers that he doesn't start the day like he did today. I am also crossing my fingers that when I pick him up at the bus stop tonight he is in a much better frame of mind.

Thank Goodness For School!

Thank goodness for SEPARATE schools! I am so glad that the boys do NOT go to the same High School. I am sure that if they did, especially today, that there would be BIG trouble!
Before I even got out of bed I was hearing things like "SHUT the F*** Up!!!!" "I'm going to smash you!"

I couldn't believe my ears. Well maybe I could. To be honest its not like I haven't heard Brodie use that kind of colourful language before. Its just that to be woken up by him swearing at his little brother, let's just say that it isn't the best way to start the day. This started at around 6am and continued until we got in the car just after 8am for our trip to the bus stop.

I know I've said it already but I am ever so grateful that the boys are in different schools. I think that was one of the BEST decisions I ever made. This way they aren't under each others feet & that Angus wont have to worry about Brodie finding him during recess & lunch and threatening him again.

I'm going to dread the afternoon school run just in case we have an encore performance once both boys are home from school. I'm crossing my fingers that Brodie is in a better mood when he gets off the bus this afternoon.

Melting Moments (And I don't mean the biscuits)

Angus & I went to Church this morning leaving Brodie at home because he was feeling nauseous (he's been feeling like that a lot lately but I don't think anything is wrong with him its probably just nerves or something). While Brodie was home he was meant to do his Music assignment from school. I'm glad to say that he did work on it. I haven't checked out how much he has done yet.

We left Church earlier than usual. I would have loved to have stayed because its soup Sunday. The name speaks for itself really. Some of the Sisters make a soup to share on the third Sunday of the month. Sad to say we had to leave early because I had forgotten to put the corned beef into the slow cooker so that it would be ready in time for tea & I had forgotten my mobile phone so I was unable to ask Mark or Brodie to get it ready. I do love my 'different corned beef' dish. Its so yummy!

Once at home I got the silverside prepared & asked the boys to do a couple of little jobs. Angus was taking out some boxes to the bin. Brodie began barking orders about how the boxes needed to be broken up to fit into the bin. I said that they didn't need to be. That was NOT good enough for Brodie however. He decided to smack Angus in the back of the head then proceeded to tell me that he didn't know why he had done it. Of course I knew the reason. I had observed the whole thing.

I don't know what happened after that. I mean I don't know why things escalated to where they did. Mark had come inside to find out what was going on & I explained what had transpired. Brodie was getting really defensive (as he does when he gets caught out). He spoke louder & louder as if he thought that would get his point across. He started threatening Mark with physical violence. Brodie challenges Mark a lot. It's like he wants to be boss cocky ALL the time! Both Mark & I tried to get him to go for a walk so that he could calm down.

I swear it was almost like seeing him change. He seemed to go into little kid mode. Only thing was he isn't a little kid & he was still LOUD and very angry. Brodie said 'where do I go? I have nowhere to go' All we had said was put your shoes on and go for a walk. 'Where?' he screams. Just around town I said. I just wanted him out of the house so that he could calm down.
He finally went.

Poor Angus you could see the hurt on his face. I think I heard him say during all of this, "not again". He apologised for the meltdown. It's wasn't his fault. Both Mark & I told him that he didn't start it.

I know that these meltdowns don't happen all the time but when they happen they REALLY happen. I am tired of Brodie's threats of violence. He said he was going to smash things & that he wanted to smash Mark's head through the glass door. There are days where I just wish this would all just disappear & never happen again. I know that will never happen but one day they might be a lot 'calmer' than other meltdowns.

Right now Brodie is back in his bedroom. He's probably on his laptop. I just hope that when he eventually emerges from his room he is in a much better frame of mind.

The Boys Father

While we were visiting my Dad I got a phone call from the boys father, Victor. I almost fell off my chair when I realised it was him. We had been in Adelaide for about a day or so when he phoned. Mid you sending him a letter telling him when we were coming to South Australia for a holiday certainly helped. He told me that he was organising his bus ticket from Whyalla to Adelaide and would it be possible for us to pick him up at the Elizabeth train station & take him to his brother Bill's home. I thought wow, sure, I can do that since you are (finally) making the effort to come and see your own sons!

So on Tuesday afternoon he phoned us to say that he was at the train station and could we please come and get him. The boys walked right up to him and he didn't recognise them at all. It wasn't until Brodie said Hello Vic that he finally realised that these boys were HIS kids. I was surprised to note that he didn't recognise them even though I had sent him their most recent school photos so that he would know how much they had grown. Oh well, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised really.

I know it was nice for Vic to finally catch up with the boys BUT .. he has to realise that he shouldn't be trying to crack jokes and think that everything is all hunky dory just because he made the boys laugh. In some ways I think that Vic thought things would be like they used to be between him & the boys before he disappeared on us, & that they were still "buddies".

I know for a fact that Brodie is having such a hard time trying to accept Vic back in his life after a 7 year absence. I mean who wouldn't have a hard time trying to get to know someone after such a long time apart. Brodie even told him on the phone that he didn't want to call him Dad any more because he hadn't been in their lives for so long. Brodie heard Vic swear at Bill saying that the little f**ker didn't want to call him Dad anymore. Of course when I confronted him about it he denied it but why would Brodie lie about it?

Angus told me that even though Vic is his Dad he doesn't particularly like how he was treated while we visited with him & his Uncle Bill. Vic spent more time talking to Brodie trying to be buddies with him. Angus said he felt left out. Not a very good thing to happen especially when you are meant to be mending a broken relationship.

At one stage Brodie wanted to punch Vic. Of course he didn't, I wouldn't let him .. he saved that for Mark instead. I'll fill you in on that story in another post. There was a lot of anger brewing in the background & I certainly felt a lot of stress from it. So much stress that my skin paid the price for it while we were away. Now that we have been back a week it is slowly settling down again.

We bought Vic a mobile phone so that the boys can keep in contact with him. Not a very expensive one but its prepaid so we wont have to worry about any phone bills. One of Vic's nieces or nephews can teach him how to put credit on. We're all on the same mobile network so the kids can use their free minutes to call him if they wish to. You should've seen Vic when we gave him the phone. He was like a little kid receiving a Christmas present. He was practically jumping for joy. I had to laugh though he said he would keep it a secret from his brother, Dave, but I don't think he will. He was so excited that he would tell anyone who would listen that he had a mobile phone.

At least the boys can call him now and speak with him if they wish. It's better than the system we were using before when we would try and catch his cousin at home who would then pass on a message to him that we had called. Vic would then phone to say he was at his cousins and then we would call him back.

While we were there Mark spent some time alone with Vic. Having a heart to heart chat. Dad to Dad. Whatever Mark said to Vic must have been good as Vic told me that he has a lot of time for Mark & that he is doing a good job with the boys. It feels kind of weird that my ex-hubby approves of my 'new' man. Not that I needed his approval.

Any way lets see how things go with their father now. I hope that their relationship can grow and become a bit stronger than it is right now.

Its Officially Winter But IT Was Fiery Here This Morning

Oh my goodness it was COLD this morning. A brisk 4 degrees celcius (about 39F) when I got up this morning. Thankfully it has warmed up a bit, its meant to be around 17C (62F) in town, but its still cold.

I had a bad morning with Brodie. He was being horrid to Angus as per usual. Opening the bedroom window so that poor Angus would freeze when he got out of bed. Playing the harmonica so that he would make sure Angus woke up (and possibly Mark too, thankfully he slept through it).

When I politely asked Brodie to leave the room he yelled at me saying that he had been out of the room for an hour and a half already (it was 7:30 am at the time) and said that he was entitled to be in there. Well yes he is entitled to be in there but so is his little brother and he shouldn't be made to feel bad to being in there. B eventually came out.

Of course Angus had left things to the last minute again and we barely made it out of the door by 8:10 to make it in time for Brodie's bus stop. Angus was eating his toast in the car to save time. Gosh I just had flashbacks from when both boys were in primary school and doing the exact same thing.

During out ride to the bus stop Brodie was load and obnoxious as per usual. He kept back answering anything Angus or I had said. I had been talking about how we were going to go to Adelaide to visit Poppa (my Dad) in a few weeks and that I will be writing a letter to their father to let him know if he wants to see them when we would be there.

Brodie got it into his head that I meant he would be going to stay at his fathers home, which is a further 4 hours drive from my Dad's. I hadn't said that he would but he got extremely aggressive and began swearing even more and stated that he would not be staying at his f@#$ing fathers house because he doesn't have any %^&@#@ good stuff here.

I then asked a simple question: Why do you always have to have the last word. To which of course Brodie yells at me and tells me to shut the F!@$ up jumps out of the car at the bus stop, slams the door and gives me the bird!

Oh yes what a delightful start to a Friday morning! It makes me wish that it was the beginning of next week as I am now dreading Brodie's behaviour over the weekend. Mark suggested I don't talk to Brodie. Like I can't talk to my own son. Although I am at the moment extremely tempted to let him find his own way back from the bus stop, which is 7.5 km (about 4.6 miles) from home!

Don't Take It Personally

When someone is swearing at you like a trooper calling you all the horrible names under the sun like whore & slut, screaming at you from the top of their lungs. Making you feel terrible and worthless. What do you do? Do you accept it or fight back? Well I am supposed to remember this one sentence .. Don't take it personally. At least that is what the psychologist said when we saw him the other month. How can you not take it personally?

You know I could cope with this more if Brodie didn't get physical too. He says he doesn't realise that he does it. That isn't the point though is it. If he gets like this with me what will he do to his little brother?

I'm at the point where enough is enough. I can't handle his behaviour any more. I was thinking a short time ago how well I was doing and how perhaps I could start coming off the antidepressants that I have been on for years but these past two weeks (school holidays end tomorrow) I have felt more depressed than I have in years. Well maybe not depressed but more blue I suppose you could say. All I can say for the moment is I am glad that school goes back tomorrow!!

Fed Up

Gosh I am so fed up with Brodie. I am sick and tired of his swearing. His yelling. His throwing things and breaking stuff. And all of this within the last hour or so.

Brodie was threatening to smash my computer and Mark's net book. He locked Mark outside. He slammed the hallway door and now the paint and wood is coming off it.
I have just told him that he was due to get his $20 pocket money tomorrow but he will not get it now as I need to buy stuff to fill holes in the wall and the door that he as made. Also I will need to find something to repair a speaker, from the surround sound, that he has smashed. I'm not sure how to Mark could fix it, if at all.

I wish Brodie would just stop being such a hot headed bully. I am so tired of it. I don't know how much more of it I can take or how much more any of us can take.

More Disappointment

Golly gosh. I phoned Vic's cousin about half an hour or so ago so that he could get a message to him that I needed to talk with him. The reason I made the call was because I am tired of the abuse that we suffer due to Brodie's behaviour and temper. He hurt Angus badly the other day and he was hurting him again this afternoon.

I was talking with a parent helpline the other day (they were not very helpful really) but from what they were saying we are victims of domestic violence. To be honest I have thought of that in the past when Brodie has lashed out at me and at Mark & Angus. I didn't want to think of his aggression towards us as domestic violence but I guess I have to face the facts and accept that it is. Especially if someone else has pointed it out.

Anyway, I digress from what I was originally wanting to write about today. You see we just got a phone call back from the boys father. I had to tell him how Brodie has been behaving and that he needed to know that Brodie was hurting Angus and I had to report him to the Human Services. At least making a complaint against Brodie may help get us into the right program to get him (and us) some help. I hated doing it but I have to protect Angus. The poor kid has been hiding the the bottom of the wardrobe trying to escape from Brodie's anger.

Back to the phone call again. I asked him straight out if he was coming over to see the boys. To which he came up with the lamest of excuses that he got an electricity bill in and it has to be paid. Well DER we get them too!! Brodie was listening, I didn't realise that he was within earshot, and became quite distressed when he heard that Vic wasn't coming. I had tried to prepare the boys for the fact that their father was NOT reliable and would not be likely to come at all. Even with me offering to pay for most of his trip and to let him stay here with us was not enticing enough for him, he wouldn't have to worry about paying for food and accommodation.

Back to Brodie he was crying and screaming profanities that his Dad is a liar, etc. He was using very colourful language. Vic heard every word he said. To be honest I didn't like the language that Brodie used but he is entitled to his feelings and the fact that his father heard it .. well maybe some of his actions or inaction's might sink in as to how what he does affects the boys and that I am the one putting the pieces back together in the aftermath! Even Angus as getting angry and annoyed. I don't blame him either.

Both boys have now, in the heat of the moment, stated that they do not want their father here and that if he does turn up to the door I am not allowed to let him in. They will change their minds eventually but I wont force them to like him right now. They have stated that they HATE him and I don't blame them one bit!

It's Been A While

I finally thought I had better get around to making another post. I didn't realise that it's been as long as it has since I've added something here. As you might be able to guess I have been a bit busy. Although not too busy that I couldn't have typed something up if I wanted to.

I don't know where to start... Ummm... let's see. We've been to visit a psychologist, Richard Eisenmajer. He was great and very helpful. He put things in terms that we could understand very clearly. Brodie is like a King. Kings want things on demand and usually immediately or even yesterday. Kinds thing of the rest of us as peasants/slaves to do their menial tasks like cleaning he bedroom, making the bed, cooking, washing etc. We just have to dethrone the king and make him a peasant too! Not an easy task but with patience and YEARS of practise we might get there.

Also, we were told that Brodie will need to spend a long time learning many things. The best thing we can do for him is to keep him in school for as long as possible. School being High School and then TAFE. Richard recommended that he be in TAFE until he is at least 24 because by then he may be able to go out into the real world and live on his own. *SIGH* i thought we might have had him move out of home before then. Who knows with how he has been behaving and treating us of late.

I hate to say this but Brodie has been so horrid at times. He picked up a maglight the other day and went to attack me. Mark stopped him from hurting anyone with the torch but in the process Brodie elbowed Mark in the chest and broke one of his ribs. I swear I don't know what to do with that child sometimes.

We need a break from Brodie or this family may end up self-destructing and I certainly don't want that to happen. I just wish Brodie wasn't so violent and abusive to all of us. If he was an adult I would call this domestic violence. Maybe it still is. All I know is that if he keeps this up I wont want him at home...