Knitting Funnies

I snagged these from an email sent through the Knit4Charities group quite some time ago.

How do you know if an elephant has been in your knitting bag?

Look for the footprints in the merino.

Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?

Improper blocking.

I have keys but no locks. I have space but no room. You can enter but can’t go outside. What am I?

Not sure, but you sound like my stash cupboard.

What has a neck, but no head or body?

This sweater, which is due in a week.

What is full of holes but can still hold water?

This wet-blocked shawl, which needed to be in the mail to my editor about an hour ago.

What’s black and white and red all over?

A traditional Norwegian lusekofte. Duh.

What has two hands, a round face, runs and runs, but stays in place?

Me, knitting garter stitch.

What has eyes but cannot see?

Me, reading a lace chart.

What’s black and white and red all over?

This bloody lace chart.

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?

He was reading a lace chart.

What belongs to you, but is used more by others?

My tape measure.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a wolf?

A wool shortage.

The more you have of me, the less you see. What am I?

Stitch markers! Where are my stitch markers?

If you cast a white stone into the Red Sea, what would it become?

A very pretentious colorway.

Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?

Second-sock syndrome.

Knock, knock!

Go away, I’m counting! 

Just for Laughs

Christmas Riddles

Angus was telling me some Christmas riddles and I thought I would share them. I hope they make you smile :)

What's the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum. You can't beat it.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles.

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
Crisp Kringle

What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane

What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
Sandy claws

What is green, white and red all over?
A sunburnt elf.

What do you get if you eat too many Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis

Which of Santa's reindeer's has bad manners?
Rude-olph

Just For Fun - Two Brooms

I got this joke in an email from my friend, Julz. I just had to share it with you.

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well. They decided to get married.

One broom was, of course the bride broom, the other was the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom was very handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little broom!"

"Impossible!" said the groom broom . "We haven't even swept together."

Just For Fun

Puns For Educated Minds

I received these in an email from my friend Julz and I had to share them. Just be warned they are NOT politically correct but they are funny.

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

The Fisherman & His Wife

A fisherman comes home from a recent fishing trip and upon seeing his wife he excitedly says
"Wait until you see the BIG snapper I caught. It's a beauty! But, darling, though the fishing trip was fun, I really missed you. I'm so glad to be back. I am just not happy when I am away from you sweetheart."

The wife looks up at him, smiles then clears her throat and says "I am NOT cleaning the fish!"

Just For Laughs

This picture arrived in my inbox via one of the ladies from the Knit4Charities group. I just had to share it.

I'm not sure I would be as brave as this lady in this comic standing there while there was a burglar in her home but I would try and save my stash :) I've invested a lot of time in collecting that yarn!

Cartoon Fun!

For my readers & friends who live in the northern hemisphere where it's winter right now. I hope that things aren't as cold for you as they are for this man in this cartoon.

Christmas Cracker Riddles

Just for fun ... here's some riddles we had a giggle over from the Christmas crackers we had.

How do you make a band stand?
You take away their chairs.
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How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick
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Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the no-bell prize
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Why did the reporter always carry a ruler?
He wanted to get his story straight.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer
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Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
So he can sneak up on the mice.
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What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle Bells
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!

Joke

Two Atoms walk into a bar.
The first Atom turns to the second and says: 'I think I've lost my Electrons'.
The second Atom turns to the first and replies: 'Are you sure?'
The first Atom replies: 'Yes, I'm positive'.

( A little bit of Science humour from Angus)

Riddle

What did the big candle say to the little candle?
I'm going out tonight!

- - - - - - -

That candle seems to go out more than I do :P

Who Put The Dog Out

I got this in an email from my friend Julz & I just had to share it with you :)


Who Put The Dog Out

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dressed up but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house the dog shoots back inside.

They don't want the dog shut in the house so the wife goes to the taxi while the hubby goes upstairs to chase the dos outside.

The wife not wanting it know that the house will be empty for the evening explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the taxi.

"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching & biting me as I hauled her butt downstairs and tossed her into the back yard. She better not poop in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Eleven People On A Rope

I know its another joke. This one is from Julz as well but I just had to share it :)

Eleven people were hanging on a rope , under a helicopter. TEN men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one had to leave , because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope , because , as a woman , she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general , and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech , all the men started clapping ...

Husband Down

On the PA system: 'Clean up on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them', demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'

This was from an email sent to me by my friend Julz. Thanks for the laugh :)

Ideal Husbands

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then God made the earth round.

A Riddle

A conversation in the car this morning on the way to school .. .. .. inspired by the lame jokes being told on the morning radio show

Angus: Mum, Do you want to hear a dirty Joke?

Me: Okay

Angus: A boy fell in some mud. Do you want to hear a clean joke?

Me:Okay

Angus: He had a bath. Do you want to hear another dirty joke?

Me: Sure

Angus: He fell in the mud again

iStuff

Got this joke in an email today & just had to share it.

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday. Earlier this year I bought my daughter an iPod for hers. I was dead chuffed when the family bought me an iPad for Father's day..

I bought my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then that the fight started ...

Joke

A joke I received in an email .. I can make fun about Elizabeth because that's where I was born & its where I grew up! And I don't miss that place one bit!

HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Elizabeth West in the early hours of Thursday

05 August 2010 - with its epicentre in Johnstone Street, Elizabeth .

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately $30.00 worth of damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their centrelink cheques arrived.

The Rescue Leader reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the northern suburbs .

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Kev and Jason slept through it all."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of UDL's to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, jewellery from Kleins and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuits, singlets (blue & white), white sport socks, Reebok boots. Any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs urgently needed include:

Microwave meals, baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations:

$15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those worst affected.

**Breaking news**

Neighbouring Salisbury Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Elizabeth or Salisbury!

.... Oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway!

Faaackinell haha