What is WRONG with ME??

I really should be counting my blessing right now. Yet for some reason I feel like I am unable too. I am feeling completely miserable and all I want to do is cry. I'm a walking pile of jumbled up hormones!! That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

Last night I couldn't concentrate on anything. Mind you it didn't help that I got two phone calls from the camp Brodie is on. The first one was regarding his medication. The second one was to let me know Brodie wasn't feeling all that well. I spoke to Lynn, next-door, and she reminded me that Brodie also felt unwell on his last camp. Perhaps he was home sick or something. I don't know. I expected the phone to ring for a third time saying please come and collect him. Thankfully that call never came. So he must be alright.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I couldn't concentrate .. .. I tried playing a few games on the computer but I lost interest, They just didn't capture my attention. Where I could normally play them for hours at a time, well maybe not hours, at least its normally longer than a few minutes like it was yesterday. So I gave up with them and decided to watch a bit of tv. Desperate Housewives was on and I love that show .. but guess what I found I couldn't concentrate on that either. SO I though okay while I am sitting here I'll do a crossword puzzle maybe that will help. So after opening up the book and perhaps filling in one or two clues I closed the book. No biggy I sometimes do that anyway. The next thing was knitting. I am making myself a pretty purple fluffy scarf at the moment. Mind you I've been making it for the last month or so. I just don't always find the time to do that but I gave up on that as well after knitting one row. So back to the computer I went and opened up PSP. I thought maybe creating something else will help. Guess what!?! I couldn't find any tubes I liked so I closed that too. By this time it was only 10 pm. Too early for bed .. well too early for me anyway. I ended up walking around the cabin not doing anything in particular.

I kept thinking what is wrong with me??? I'm still feeling this way this morning. I just want to cry. I feel old, fat, ugly and most of all I want my Mum. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Its not like I am unloved or anything. I know I am loved I just HATE feeling like I have no idea about what I want. Right now I have this feeling that I need to be strong and brave. I don't want to feel strong. I don't want to feel brave. I just want to be cared for.

Mark tried to get me to talk earlier but I didn't feel I was able to and I am so sorry for not doing so. I know I have a huge problem about sharing how I feel. I mean consider this, it took me years to feel confident enough to tell someone I loved them without using 'code' words. I just couldn't say it at all not even to the boys. Bottling things up like this does NOT help and I know where it can lead. It's a case of Been There Done That! And I don't particularly wish to go down that path again.

Today I am meant to be doing my UVB and I don't even feel up to that either. Mark was telling me it's my choice and to not come back later complaining about my skin. I hate it when he puts it back on me. Its not a bad thing that he does that either. In fact it's a good thing because it really is up to ME and no one else. I just don't want to decide anything while I am in this frame of mind. Not that I have really explained it completely. Maybe I should just get up off my butt and do something .. be spontaneous (yeah right) or just do something so that I can keep my mind occupied so I don't have to think too much. Thinking might get me into trouble!