It's Summer Right?

See the hand on the right => that's around area where I live

I think Mother Nature has forgotten that it is meant to be Summer in the southern hemisphere at the moment. Right now it is a brisk 12C (53.6F) and that wind out there makes it feel more like 10C or less (50F). Not that I am complaining. I am really enjoying this colder stuff :)

I feel bad for Brodie though. He is on his first Interchange camp as a volunteer (they get called volley for short, us Aussies shorten everything!). The poor kids would probably be stuck indoors out of the wind, hail  & rain.
Brodie was quite excited to be asked to come back as a volunteer. As far as I know there has only been one other person who was a client of Interchange that was asked to come back. She found it a little difficult to participate as a volley because it hadn't been all that long since she was one of the 'kids'. I do hope that Brodz doesn't have that problem. I guess I'll find out on Friday afternoon when he is due back home.

Even thought Brodie is there as a volley I am treating this as respite. We sure did need the break from one another. Summer holidays always cause a lot of stress in our home. Especially since these boys are not all that interested in doing things outside of the home. They rarely hang out with friends & do stuff. Not like when we were kids. We were always off somewhere without friends. I would gladly push them out the door encourage them to go and do stuff ALL the time usually without success.

Anyway I'm going to relish the quiet that has enveloped our house. It doesn't happen very often so I plan on enjoying it :D

You Gotta Love Kids

Brodie's been away at an Interchange camp this weekend and has only been home for approximately 15 minutes. He's back in his bedroom with the music blaring and no doubt he is back on his laptop too. Oh the joys of having a teenager!

At least he had a great time at camp and even got to do some canoeing (or kayaking not sure which one it was) He looks like he had a good time as he is a tad sunburnt on the face. Its a shame he didn't put the sunblock on that I gave him.

Kids! Well One In Particular!

What do you do when your 17 year old Aspie kid refuses to go to school? Do you argue? Definitely NOT. Especially if you wish to keep your sanity & your hair on your head!

Brodie will probably wish to kill me right now for posting this but he didn't want to go to school because, get this, he had NO clean underwear! I told him to go commando but he wouldn't. I don't blame him really. Honestly though, what did he expect me to do about his lack of clean clothing??
It's not MY fault that he insists on having what he calls a Floordrobe! Far out! Its not like he doesn't have a chest of drawers and a wardrobe to put his clean clothes in!!!!

Guess who had the privilege of doing a load of washing!! If you think it was me guess again! Brodie will learn one way or another that if you cannot place your dirty clothes in the basket that sits right outside of the bedroom that I will NOT hunt for his dirty clothes! Brodie did a load of washing all on his own! I guess that's a small blessing in itself....

Oh and I didn't phone the school to tell them why he was absent. He did that all on his own. I told him straight that I would NOT lie to the school for him as to why he was away. Brodie told them that he wasn't in the right frame of mind to go today. I guess that wasn't a lie on his part but it wasn't the WHOLE truth!

As for him being online all day ... hmmm ... he does have to pack for an Interchange camp he's going on this weekend! Yay for Interchange & Double YAY for respite!!!!! I think we need the break.

A Little Peeved

I'm just a bit peeved at the moment. I probably shouldn't be but I am. You see I was expecting a Brodie free weekend with him attending a Stake Young Men's Camp with all the Young Men from Church attending. I thought that he was looking forward to going & having loads of fun with everyone there. He knows quite a lot of the kids from when he's gone on other camps with them.

Brodie informed me a short time ago, when I asked him if he had finished packing, that he was NOT going. He couldn't even give me a valid reason as to why he doesn't want to attend. I've got this feeling that he really should go but I don't want to push him and make him do it. I know that there is a real possibility that it could backfire big time and he would lash out at us.

I went and spoke with Mark telling him of Brodie's decision & what I had said to Brodie about his not going. I fully expected Brodie to say that he would rather attend camp when I told him his options. His options were A) to attend the YM camp or B) complete reading his English novel and complete the 3 pages of tasks that he has had ALL holidays (5 weeks so far) to do by Tuesday morning.

Now what kid would honestly choose to do the work?? It seems that Brodie would.
Oh and the other thing that I thought would change his mind .. NO laptop until all of the English work is done!! I told him that the laptop would go into my room until the work is complete.

I guess I made some sort of incentive to get the work done. Brodie is now out of the bedroom (where he has been hibernating since his laptop got fixed) he is OFF the laptop and is actually answering the questions for his assignment. Although he is getting distracted by the TV & the news. At least he is getting the work done & he really only has 1 week left to finish it. School goes back on Feb 1st.

Camp & Shopping

Brodie has been at an Interchange Camp in Walhalla since Friday night. Gosh its been awful quiet at home! Not that I am complaining or anything its just quiet! He phoned me up reverse charges last night to let me know that he didn't have any signal on his mobile. I knew he wouldn't because when the boys have been up at Rawson on other camps they've not had signal there either. And since Walhalla is in that same area I assumed that their mobiles wouldn't work their too. Anyway he said he missed me. I've certainly thought about him heaps over the last couple of days but I don't think I've missed him as much as he has possibly missed me.
It was really sweet of him to call at any rate. He usually phones at night to say Good Night. Its cute really.

Yesterday morning I tool Mark & Angus to Morwell to do some birthday and Christmas shopping. I kept my promise of getting Angus a new mobile phone but he almost lost it while we were in Mid Valley. He'd left it in the shoe section in BigW and only realised it as we were leaving the store. Thank goodness it was sort of shoved under some shelves when he tried on some shoes or he would've completely lost them altogether. I mean who wouldn't take a shopping bag with a brand new phone in it? Thankfully Mark found it and all is good.
Angus learnt a valuable lesson. If Mum has a trolley for all the shopping .. USE it or LOSE it!!

Respite & Epilepsy Management Plan

I've never heard of an Epilepsy Management Plan before but apparently Brodie needs one or he cannot go on the next overnight camp. Funny thing is they let him attend the last one at Maffra without needing a plan.

When I mentioned that Brodie never had an action plan before not even for school the lady from respite questioned me. It kind of made me think that she doubted me. She said that when she was teaching that kids had them for school. So I mentioned that I was a teacher and in all the years that I worked in school we NEVER had a child with one. Although I don't recall having a kid in my class with epilepsy but that wasn't the point.

I am organising one but I have never heard of it before. I have heard of the asthma plan & one for kids with severe allergies but not one for anything else. Of course our GP happens to be on a bit of a break so we can't see him & they respite ppl want this done sooner rather than later. So I had to make an appointment for Brodie after school on Thursday to see another doctor in our clinic. Hopefully they will be able to fill out the plan without any problems.

I am no impressed with the respite mob. If it was there policy to have action/management plans for everything they should have made it extremely clear from the beginning when they accepted us into the ROADIES program. That way I wouldn't have been surprised when they asked for it now. All of this could've been solved ages ago.

To Help or Not To Help ...

Oh boy am I tired right now. I had to get up extra early this morning. Angus needed to be at school by 7am because he was going on camp. So to make sure I was alert enough to take him this morning I woke up around 6. I am truly feeling it right now. I know I could've had a snooze this afternoon or even after I took Brodie to the bus stop but I didn't.

You know I kind of wish that Brodie went on camp instead of Angus. At least when Angus is home he helps out around the place. All Brodie did was go to his room and watch Dr. Who on DVD and then played on his laptop. Not once did he help out. No dishes were done. He didn't clear the table for dinner nor did he offer to help with anything at all. At least Angus would do stuff even without being asked. I must tell him when he gets home how much I appreciate his help around the house.

I wonder how Angus is going. I bet he is having a great time.

Camp

Brodie went on a Youth Insearch Camp last weekend. I can't remember who exactly put me on to it. I think it was Anglicare because they were kind enough to pay for it. It was a welcome respite for the rest of the family. It helped that Brodie liked it though.

Basically the camp is a peer to peer programme which can help kids through all sorts of issues that they may have. Check out their site if you get the chance - they explain it better than I ever could.

They have follow up sessions afterwards for a few weeks so that they can talk things through and stuff. The first one is tomorrow afternoon. There is only one thing... I have to drive 40 km for him to attend the session. Lucky me!! We'll probably be late since we have so far to travel and we need to be there for 4:15. At least I know where to go now as we checked out the location last night before I took the boys to Young Men's and Young Achievers.

Our Stake's Pioneer Trek

This is what I wrote in an email to my Spirit Sister the day Brodie left for Trek.

Brodie left for the Pioneer Trek this afternoon. He and Cal are brothers on the trip and will be in the same family group. Cal is, I guess you could say, his new best friend. Don't the kids look great! In fact he and Cal get along so well it's truly beautiful to see. They are almost like double trouble!! (well maybe not).

The best thing about this family group is that the Ma and Pa are a Bishop and his wife. I know Brodie will be in good hands with them. And Brodie is more likely to listen especially since Pa is a Bishop. He has more respect for Bishops than other people, not that he should be disrespectful if you know what I mean.

I was talking to one of the members from another ward while I was there. She said her Mum's ward had just done the trek. They had taken some baby dolls along with them and they passed away on the journey. She said that all the kids, including the boys, were bawling their eyes out.
I was then told that there will be younger children joining the Trek and these children will 'pass away' too. They will have family members coming along to collect them as the little ones wont be able to cope with all the walking and the hardship.

Some of the stories I heard about previous treks would make some kids think twice about going. I was told that there was a family that had a limited amount of food for a meal, such as a packet of nuts for lunch. One family had nothing for dinner but the other families rallied around and shared what they had. Matt, who is in our ward (he's sitting down in the pictures - the one without the hat) said that his family had the most and nest meal that night while on the trek.

I know that Heavenly Father will look after all of the kids and the Ma's & Pa's, plus all the ancillary people who are helping out. He certainly wont give them more than they can take but I know he will make it an experience to remember and that they will be able to get the full experience like the Pioneers did. I just hope that Brodie will be on his best behaviour.

Another thing about Cal - our Bishop told me that Cal asked the organisers to be placed in the same family as Brodie. I guess that he had been prompted to ask. Cal will be able to help keep Brodie focussed and encourage him to do his best.

Pioneer Trek & Mansfield Autistic Centre

Brodie will be going on the Pioneer Hand Cart Trek organised by our stake. It will be at Creswick Regional Park, which is about a two hour drive from home. If you go to Google Maps and do a search you can go to street view and you will be able to see what the place looks like. I must admit that the pictures look like they were taken during summer so it looks rather brown and uninviting.

I can't wait for Brodie to go on the trek. It will do him the world of good to find out how hard the Pioneers had it. I know that he will learn a lot from it. He can't wait either. Brodie said he is looking forward to it.

I think Angus is excited too as he knows he will be getting a much needed break from Brodie! Not that we really want to get rid of him its just that Brodie can take up a lot of our resources I guess you could say.

We also had a phone call recently from Mansfield Autistic Centre. Mansfield is a short term placement residential school situated two hours from Melbourne. Mansfield also runs a Travelling Teacher program providing support to rural families. Anyway we got a phone call from them the other week and last week one of the travelling teachers came out to interview us. We had been on the waiting list since Brodie was officially diagnosed two years ago. So YAY we are now off the waiting list. We just need to wait to be assigned a travelling teacher who will work with us & the school. I did let the teacher know during our interview that I really would like the High School to have some sessions with her so that they can become more Asperger friendly. They really don't seem to be very Autism aware at that school. Not like I want them to be.
Mark said that I have taught them a lot since Brodie has been there but I am not sure that I have really.

I'm not sure how long we need to wait for a travelling teacher to be assigned to us but hopefully it wont be too long.

One of the programs that the Autistic centre runs is a residential program. Its where the kids can spend a whole school term there. They focus on areas like Communications skills, Social skills, Behaviour Management, Independent Living skills & Self help, Health & Well Being, Leisure and Recreation. There are no more than 12 children (it could be less) staying there for the term. I am not sure how many staff there are during the day but I know that there are two that sleep there at night to supervise the kids. It's awful expensive (around $1,000 for the term) but I would love for Brodie to attend for a term. It would give us all a much needed break and Brodie would hopefully learn so many things.

There are home weekends were he will be able to stay for about 4 days before heading back to the school. This happens every 3 weeks or so. I mentioned that I would like him to still attend Church meetings on Sundays. I don't know if I would need to organise for someone to come and collect him but I do remember being told that a staff member would most likely accompany Brodie on these outings.

That's about it for now I guess.

Oops almost forgot. Angus is so excited his soccer team made it into the finals. The first finals game is this weekend! Woohoo!!

TGIF - or not

It's Friday already. Where has the week gone?? I don't feel like I have done much at all this week. Let's see what did happen this week .. .. ..

Tuesday I took Angus to Jindi so that he could go to camp. I also got my haircut that afternoon. It feels so much lighter than it did before and yay my fringe is shorter I can now see again lol.
Wednesday, what did I do. Mark and I started cleaning up the lounge room & doing a major de clutter. It's looking much better now. Oh and I had to make an extra trip up to the High School because Brodie forgot his medication. At least I think I did that on Wednesday but I'm not 100% sure of that. I did a little bit of grocery shopping.

Yesterday I did a little more shopping. Not much mind you as I am quickly running out of money as I gave Mark some money for an external hard drive that Michele had offered to sell us. It was a bargain buy but it truly has left us rather short this week. I know I should've said no but it's too late to worry about that now.I just hope that there is enough petrol in the car to go up to Jindi later today to get Angus as I don't have much money for fuel at the moment. I'm thinking we might not be going to Church for that very reason.

In about half an hour my visiting teachers will be here so I'd better get off this thing and make sure the place is tidy enough for visitors. I don't want them to think we're slobs!

Sovereign Hill

Angus left for Ballarat today for a four day school camp. They're staying at Sovereign Hill. They are going to have such fun doing activities such as Gold pouring, sweet making, candle dipping, checking out the Chinese goldfield, going to the movies, visiting the gold museum, panning for gold, visiting the Eureka Stockade site and more. He will be so busy that I bet he hardly even misses us.

Finally Some Peace & Quiet

Boy it is freezing outside! When I got up this morning at 6 am it was 3C but it soon dropped to 2C by 7 am (a little over 32F but not by much). I just checked the temperature again and now that the sun is out it's jumped to 5C. Now I know I am not a winter person nor a summer one for that matter but sheesh it's only autumn and it's freezing!!
Considering how cold it is it's no surprise that there is snow on Mt Baw Baw (90km away up the mountain from where I live) they are hoping for a bumper snow season which is still 10 weeks away.

I guess you might be wondering why I was up so early (or not lol) considering it is school holidays at the moment. You see Brodie is going on camp! Well he's gone already. I had to drop him off at a Church members home near Buln Buln. He was so excited about going. I just hope that he stays warm enough, behaves for the Young Men's leaders and takes his medication when he is supposed to.

Angus was so excited about Brodie going on camp. I must admit that I was looking forward to it too. It's only an over-night one but it's a break for us nonetheless. I was so tired of Brodie barking orders to Angus and talking down to everyone that I honestly don't know how much longer it would've been before I snapped. He truly tests my patience sometimes.

So for now we finally have some peace and quiet. At least until tomorrow night when Brodie comes home. I am going to enjoy this while I can!

Today ...

We all went to church this morning and after sacrament Mark lost his balance and fell on his back. His right leg just gave way and he dropped. I brought him home not long after this happened. It took us about 5 minutes to get him from the foyer and into the car. I even moved the car up really close to the doors too so you can just imagine how he bad was.

To be honest I really did not feel up to staying anyway. I felt downright horrible and blue. You see there were three people who were asked to talk about the Youth camp that was on this past week. The one the big fella was banned from going to. It hurt me so much to know that the youth went and he didn't. The kids that spoke, well I can't blame them for being excited about sharing their experiences. Then when the Young Men's leader spoke and said how ALL the youth had such wonderful spiritual moments and fun with the activities I just felt awful. Thinking that's what the big fella missed out on. How the kids also said that they were closer to each other for having shared all of this together. And there I was thinking how he didn't get that chance. I just wanted to cry, in fact I did have tears in my eyes.

I felt so spiteful and it was so wrong to feel that way. I just didn't want to stay. In a way I was relieved that Mark fell and I had a reason to go home. I know I shouldn't use him as an excuse to leave but I did feel so relieved.
I don't feel so bad now (well maybe not as bad) and I know I shouldn't have felt like that in the first place. Mark said that I shouldn't be upset about it, that it was the big fella's fault for not being able to go. All I could think of was how he worked just as hard as the other kids to help raise the money for the camp and he was NOT able to enjoy it. I know the Bishop said that there will be a Young Men's camp within the next month or two but what if they say he can't go to that one either?

Yesterday's Blues

What I day I had yesterday. It sure was one of those kinds where you wish you NEVER got out of bed!!! My day started okay though so I guess that was a small blessing. We had 8 children in Nursery this week. We've been used to having around 4 - 5 so having 8 was super busy! There were two escape artists in the group so we had to keep an extra close watch over them!! They were all still as cute as buttons though. One of the little girls was watching one of the boys he was so distressed because he Daddy left the room so she found his dummy and gave it to him! It was just too cute! The Bishop asked to see the big fella and I after the days meetings. I knew why he wanted to see him but I didn't tell him. I had been preparing him all week for the possibility of his missing out on the camp that the Young Men & Women were going on in January. The Bishop broke it very gently to the big fella explaining that it was for safety reasons that he was unable to go. I had told big fella during the week that it would be because of his lack of maturity and how he doesn't listen to the leaders plus the fact that the camp site is 6 hours from home and that if he stuffed up big time while he was there I don't think I would be really happy about driving that far to collect him!! It would also involve the whole family to come with me too because I wouldn't want to drive the 6 hours by myself! We also spoke about how he has been behaving at Church with the way he speaks to people. We tried to explain to him that he is a Child of God and he needs to treat the other people who are also God's children with respect. But he kept wanting to joke around. It really showed us that he is NOT ready for camp! However he needs to aim for a Young Men's came to be held later on or even aim higher for the next combined camp the following summer! Anyway the big fella was such a rat bag in the Bishops office. Turning around and saying I've heard enough I am leaving now!! He didn't though but it kind of started to set the tone for the rest of the day! When we got home Mark came out to meet us in the driveway (he didn't go to church). He had been cleaning up the boys room and had found a stash of things under bunk bed! Stuff from school like magazines from the library which had the bar codes ripped off, a hole punch (what on earth he needed that for I don't know as we own one!!), a couple of DVDs from the school library and a whole ream of white paper plus a few felt tip pens and Biro's. When we asked the big fella about it he got angry and shouted at both of us. It was his guilty way of attacking us I suppose you could say. He gets really defensive like that when he gets caught out. He was SO angry!! He told us he didn't steal anymore but when we said we would ask the school well he got even angrier!! We let him have a little bit of space and went to the lounge room. I thought he was okay but the little dude came running out saying the big fella says he is going to run away!! I tried to stop him but he took off anyway. I didn't know what to do! I didn't want him to think that I would run off after him every time he runs away. This was the fourth time he had done this already since we moved into town! It was like we were back in Adelaide all over again! He started running away from the age of 7!!!! Mark followed him in the car with the camera and told him that we needed a recent photo for the police in case he doesn't come home! But he went and hid behind some trees saying I'm not listening to you! I gave him a little bit of time, about 10 minutes) and went out in the car. I found him sitting by the police station just a few blocks from home. He refused to talk with me, wouldn't get into the car and when I got out of the car to talk with he he took off again! So I left him there. What else could I do?? So I came home. By now I was becoming more and more stressed and burst into tears. I didn't know what to do! So Mark ended up phoning the people associated with CAMHS. The said to phone the police. So Mark did. It was the last thing we wanted to do but we really had no choice. What if he big fella decided not to come home? He didn't have his medication with him! 24 hours off his tegretol would see him having seizures again. Mark explained the situation and the medical history too. The police said that they would get patrols to look for him.. Mark also phoned the Bishop, the RS president (he got her answering machine) and our Home Teacher. I couldn't even talk on the phone I had been crying so much. I hated feeling like I did, it was just awful! James our Home Teacher must've gotten through to Lesley the RD president and she said that Kym & Steve, a lovely married couple, who are our ward clerk & welfare coordinator were coming out to see me. Soon after these phone calls the big fella came home. He said that a police officer called Benny told him to go home and apologise. Which he did but he thinks that makes this okay. But it isn't okay not by a long shot! We phoned the police to say that an officer called Benny spoke to him and sent him home. By all accounts Benny lives next door to the police station the big fella was sitting at. Like I said he thought that everything was okay by now. He had apologised and thought that was over. Is it the Aspergers side of him that thinks this? I have no idea. At around 5 pm Kym and Steve arrive. I was so glad to see them but I felt sorry also just because they had made the trip out here. It's not a short drive from there place to ours. I did feel better that they had come though and talking things through with Kym helped. And with Steve also. He is a police officer too and was able to shed some light on some things for us. Both Kym and Steve said that it would be a good idea to see an LDS psychologist. The Bishop and I had spoken about it but things were better after we initially mentioned this and nothing ever came of it. I don't think that will be the case any more. Kym said she will talk with Lesley who will talk with the Bishop again and make sure that things start happening. Kym also asked if there was something they could so. I said that I need breaks from the big fella but I don't get them. That Mark and I haven't even been out on a date because we just can't leave the boys home. That I don't trust him to be with too many people because of the way he treats them. I got a blessing before Kym & Steve left. Steve asked me if I wanted one and I said no. He then asked why so I told him that I feel like I don't deserve them. To which he just said then that's when you need one the most!! So I didn't argue. I was so emotionally spent I didn't have the energy to disagree anymore. I still feel at a loss where the big fella is concerned. There I was thinking that things were improving but they weren't ... They were only simmering again before the next explosion! I AM at my wits end. All I could think of for part of the time the big fella was missing was that Dad arrives on Tuesday what is he going to think when he hears of this or what will he think if the big fella doesn't come home??!! I think I need to do a bit more fasting and praying about all of this. It sure wont hurt will it!

What a day!

I can't believe my boys they were at it again this morning! But why should today be any different to any other day?? I am so tired of their fighting, swearing and general carrying on!!

After a rather slow and reasonable relaxing morning I was flat out at the school this afternoon. Seeing it's Friday I go in every week to do the weekly school newsletter, update the school website and work in the library. This weeks newsletter was an extra long one this week and took me much longer then I anticipated, almost a complete hour, which didn't leave me much time for anything else once I had updated the website. I have a stack of library books will still need processing and I just ran out of time. Looks like I might need to go in one day early next week in order to finish them.

I can't believe it .. the school wants MORE money. The little dude wants to go on camp. That's not a bad idea for him to go on it either. It will give him a much needed break from his big brother. A break which I believe he deserves. That costs $110 but since I have already paid a deposit of $20 that doesn't sound so bad anymore. However there is an excursion coming up on the 7 or 11th I can't remember which, it's in the newsletter. This time the whole school will be going to Inverloch (visitvictoria.com) to the rock pools there. It's a kind of follow up excursion to the Melbourne one they went on last year when both boys got to go to the Aquarium. I swear that sometimes the school forgets that some families are on a very limited income and that they have a tight budget that only stretches so far!! I guess I need to talk to Ian (the principal) and see what kind of payment options I have. I know that I could probably use the conveyance allowance that I will be getting later this term to pay for it. That's always an alternative I guess.

The boys have been asking about another family night. We haven't done one for nearly two weeks so we should really do one either tonight or tomorrow night depending on how we feel I guess.

Oh well I suppose I had better get off this thing and do something useful.

What is WRONG with ME??

I really should be counting my blessing right now. Yet for some reason I feel like I am unable too. I am feeling completely miserable and all I want to do is cry. I'm a walking pile of jumbled up hormones!! That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

Last night I couldn't concentrate on anything. Mind you it didn't help that I got two phone calls from the camp Brodie is on. The first one was regarding his medication. The second one was to let me know Brodie wasn't feeling all that well. I spoke to Lynn, next-door, and she reminded me that Brodie also felt unwell on his last camp. Perhaps he was home sick or something. I don't know. I expected the phone to ring for a third time saying please come and collect him. Thankfully that call never came. So he must be alright.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I couldn't concentrate .. .. I tried playing a few games on the computer but I lost interest, They just didn't capture my attention. Where I could normally play them for hours at a time, well maybe not hours, at least its normally longer than a few minutes like it was yesterday. So I gave up with them and decided to watch a bit of tv. Desperate Housewives was on and I love that show .. but guess what I found I couldn't concentrate on that either. SO I though okay while I am sitting here I'll do a crossword puzzle maybe that will help. So after opening up the book and perhaps filling in one or two clues I closed the book. No biggy I sometimes do that anyway. The next thing was knitting. I am making myself a pretty purple fluffy scarf at the moment. Mind you I've been making it for the last month or so. I just don't always find the time to do that but I gave up on that as well after knitting one row. So back to the computer I went and opened up PSP. I thought maybe creating something else will help. Guess what!?! I couldn't find any tubes I liked so I closed that too. By this time it was only 10 pm. Too early for bed .. well too early for me anyway. I ended up walking around the cabin not doing anything in particular.

I kept thinking what is wrong with me??? I'm still feeling this way this morning. I just want to cry. I feel old, fat, ugly and most of all I want my Mum. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. Its not like I am unloved or anything. I know I am loved I just HATE feeling like I have no idea about what I want. Right now I have this feeling that I need to be strong and brave. I don't want to feel strong. I don't want to feel brave. I just want to be cared for.

Mark tried to get me to talk earlier but I didn't feel I was able to and I am so sorry for not doing so. I know I have a huge problem about sharing how I feel. I mean consider this, it took me years to feel confident enough to tell someone I loved them without using 'code' words. I just couldn't say it at all not even to the boys. Bottling things up like this does NOT help and I know where it can lead. It's a case of Been There Done That! And I don't particularly wish to go down that path again.

Today I am meant to be doing my UVB and I don't even feel up to that either. Mark was telling me it's my choice and to not come back later complaining about my skin. I hate it when he puts it back on me. Its not a bad thing that he does that either. In fact it's a good thing because it really is up to ME and no one else. I just don't want to decide anything while I am in this frame of mind. Not that I have really explained it completely. Maybe I should just get up off my butt and do something .. be spontaneous (yeah right) or just do something so that I can keep my mind occupied so I don't have to think too much. Thinking might get me into trouble!

The little dude is happy!

You should've seen how happy Angus was when I picked him up from school today. He politely reminded me that we didn't have to pick up his brother after school and that we could head straight home. He was humming and singing in the car on the way home.

Later once we were inside he happily informed Mark & myself that its going to be a great couple of days without his big brother & that he was so glad that we could spend some time together. He was even more excited about not having to wake up as early as he has been these last few weeks so we could get Brodie off to the bus stop in time.

I'm guessing he thinks camp for Brodie is a GREAT thing! lol

The Big Fella is on Camp!

Golly I won't know what to do with myself for the next couple of days. The big fella left for camp this morning. Well I do know what we can do but it will be different here without him. I sure do hope he managed to pack enough clothes and things. I know I checked the suitcase but we do forget things sometimes.
I do know one thing I am looking forward to sleeping for an extra hour in the mornings. Angus doesn't need to be at school as early as Brodie does. This morning seemed extra cold so sleeping in a little will be a nice bonus!! The local radio station said it was only 8C (about 46F) at 7 o'clock so no wonder it felt cold.

I was thinking that I should do something special for Angus since Brodie is on camp. So last night I asked him what his favourite take-away was. For some reason I thought it was Subway (which is my favourite) but he told me it was KFC. So when I go into town later to see the Dr. I'll grab something nice for him. That way I wont have to cook dinner tonight .. woohoo!!
I think Brodie clicked that I am going to get some KFC because he asked me why I didn't ask him for his favourtie.

The way I see it is that Brodie gets so much more than Angus. Well he has this so far year. He's been getting new clothes, text books, stationery, etc for High School and Angus hasn't had many new things for school. So to me it seems fair that I do something like this for him!!

AND why is it when you need to phone the Doctor's Surgery on a Monday morning the phone is ALWAYS engaged? I had been phoning for the last 15 minutes and I finally got through! You'd think that everyone got sick over the weekend wouldn't you??