Feeling Frustrated

I just got a phone call from Centrelink asking if I had submitted some forms that they needed me to fill out in regards to the Carers Allowance I receive for Brodie. Apparently they never got them. I went into the Centrelink office in Warragul on June 14th and GAVE them to one of the workers there. She stamped it and said that they would send it to the Disability Services section.

I asked the person who phoned me to chase it up. He said that he will send me of another copy of the forms today. If I don't hear back from him I am to fill out the new form.

I am kicking myself that I didn't make a copy of the forms. I swear Centrelink will do my head in one day.

It's Raining Cats & Dogs

What a busy morning & its still early! After the school run this morning (well the Wednesday school run, its different to the regular school run because I drop Brodie off in the next town over from us at TAFE) I had a few jobs to do. It didn't help that it has rained non-stop since I got up this morning. It's made things take a little bit longer than expected, oh well not to worry :)

I had a review with my dermatologist. Not that I talk about my skin much on this blog I usually do that on my Scratch That Darn Itch blog (not that I post there a lot there is only so much you can write about your psoriasis before you run out of things to say, I'm not a very good blogger on that front) Any way, I saw my derm. He is such an old fashioned man. I would have to put his age in the late 60's so he's no spring chicken either. He really isn't into this 'new age' biologics that are available for treating psoriasis. In fact he told me the very first time I saw him that his 'old fashioned' tar preparations were the absolute best thing in the world and they would get my skin under control! I have to admit that he was right. It has gotten it under control. I would say that I am 1000 times better off than I was when I first saw him in November 2009. I have gone from around 85% coverage to around 10-15%. Pretty good huh?!?!
He said that since things are going okay (I am flaring a little due to the colder weather but that is because the sun has gone into hiding & I'm getting the occasional new spot) that he doesn't need to see me until the potions he prescribed has run out or I flare up really badly. Which ever one comes first. I'm hoping that it will just be when the meds run out in a couple of months or so.

Once I had seen the derm I headed off to Centrelink (for my overseas friends that's what we call Social Security here) I had some forms to hand in. Just a review so that I can hopefully still receive the carers allowance that I receive for looking after Brodie. The money certainly helps go towards running him around & helping pay the bills etc. I swear that kid has no idea what its like to run a household. He may get a rude shock one day when he finds out. Hopefully by then we would have taught him enough so that he can cope on his own.

Then it was over to the Medicare office [thankfully it is now in the same building as Centrelink] so that I could get my refund (what little there is of it) after I had paid for my dermatologist visit this morning. I get a whole whopping $35.15 cents back (that sounded a tad sarcastic). At one time medicare used to cover the whole thing and the dermatologist used to bulk bill. I never had to pay a cent. Gosh I wish those days were still about. We would be a lot better off...

At least all that running around is over & done with. Well except for taking my script to the chemist. That can be done later. I don't want to go out in that rain. It still hasn't let up. It's been like this for the past 4 hours. Time to maybe get some housework done & then onto making some more of that cute little hedgehog!

change of mind?

It seems that the paediatrician may have changed his mind about the big fella having Aspergers even though I know he mentioned it during our first visit. I gave him some forms the other week to fill in for Centrelink so that I can keep getting a carers allowance. The clinic posted them out to me and I checked out what he put in it. Seems that he didn't put that in his diagnosed ailments/conditions. I don't know what to think now.

I'm such a hypocrite

Being a Sunday we went off to church again. It was fast & testimony day. Which of course we had no idea that it was until we got there. Not that it would've made a difference anyway.

During Sacrament the big fella got a bee in his bonnet about not wanting to sit near us, me in particular, and he did NOT want to sing the hymns which was fine because I didn't feel like doing that either. What hurt me the most was that when I tried to encourage him to sit next to me so we could at least read the hymn book together he moved further and further away from me. I know if we hadn't been in the chapel at the time I would've back handed him. So perhaps in the long run it was a good thing that we were in there. He asked to leave for a bathroom break. FINE! I had no problem with that but I didn't want him to come back and sit with me. Oh I know I shouldn't be like that at the best of time but it was even worse (in my opinion) to feel like that on a Sunday especially while we were at church!! He just pushes my buttons. Mark says that the big fella doesn't do that on purpose but it certainly feels that way. I know he is a special needs kid but I just cannot seem to cope with him right now. After putting everyone else's needs before mine it tends to make you feel so awful after a while when you don't get some ME time!

Anyway all these people were getting up to bear their testimony today. Even some little children. While I was sitting there, feeling rather self-absorbed, I kept thinking how much of a hypocrite I am. Doing all of the wrong things, making all the wrong choices and thinking how wrong it was for me to even be there among all these people who deserved to be at church. Who have a stronger faith & belief than I do and who were strong enough & willing to get up there in front of everyone and bear their testimony. In fact I felt so bad that I had been digging my nails into my hand to remind me of how bad I felt. (Sorry Mark I know I never told you but you know now, plus the redness is almost completely faded now). I still, even now, while typing this fell unworthy of anything.

After Sacrament, the big fella went off into his Sunday school class. He went really willingly which was great and I felt happy for a brief moment that he went and did this. However, the little dude did nothing but complain about how much he wanted to go home. I kept thinking NO! We will NOT go home just because you don't want to be here (even though I felt unworthy of being there myself) we ARE staying put!! Eventually some of the Primary teachers came to talk with the little dude. He felt a little better which was, in my books, a good thing. I sent Mark & the big fella off to their meeting and I stayed with the little guy. Not that I wanted to. I was becoming increasingly frustrated by this point. Thinking great now what? I miss out on meeting other members, the sisters in this case, and I need to sit here with you. As I said earlier I was and still was at that stage feeling rather self-absorbed! You know that What about me?? thing we seem to go through now and then!

Eventually I managed to talk the little dude to going into the Primary class. They tried so hard to make him feel welcome but I knew that he didn't truly wish to be there. In fact neither did I but I stayed there for him.
While the kids were singing and sharing their feelings & talking about the gospel, etc all I could think of was what am I doing here? I thought of how I am glad that I no longer work with children and that I no longer wish to work with them. In fact I feel down right awful for feeling this way but sometimes you just cannot help the way you feel. After all I was a teacher for such a long time and I loved working with kids. But that was back then not now.

We haven't been home all that long, an hour or two, but on the drive home I was still feeling rather self-absorbed and just plain sick to the stomach. There were times when I felt like bursting into tears. In fact I know I had to wipe some tears hoping desperately that Mark didn't see them.

With the way I have been feeling, the unworthiness etc, I just feel like my hands are tied and I am unable to do what I want. To live how I want. I was also thinking about how the government, mainly Centrelink, is forcing me to go back to work. I keep thinking I don't want to work. Mark mentioned that I could do some courses, it's not like I haven't tried, I applied to go to University but was knocked back. I did that because I wanted Centrelink off my back before they got the chance to make me look for work. I've been a stay at home Mum for just over 4 years now and I like it. I don't want to work. Why should the government make me go to work when I am happy looking after my children?
Mark also said that since I know have all my paper work (my replacement diploma) perhaps I should apply to become a relief teacher. But to be honest I don't want that. I don't want to have the uncertainty of not knowing when I will be working. I don't want to make plans to go somewhere only to have to cancel them because I got called into work. I just hated that when I used to be a relief teacher in South Australia. I hated apologising to friends & family for breaking appointments or dates. In the end I just hated work. I don't want to go down that path again.

As you can see I have loads of problems right now. Being self-absorbed is one of them at the moment. I just don't know what to do any more. I just feel so helpless and unworthy. I just want to cry.